I’m sick but I’m at work because my assistant took the day off.  I’m glad my boss acknowledge my commitment to the company and said, go home early if you have to.  Thank you!

Last night I reluctantly went home a bit early and got some much needed rest.  Nygel text me she isn’t teaching STEP.  CHA CHING! I don’t feel so bad about missing it.

Then she asked me to meet up at a posh posh club in Aliso Viejo, home of TURBOJAM Chalene Johnson for her very unique bootcamp.  I accepted of course as it’s free.  Can we say membership is the cost of a small car payment?

But now I have to back out.  My “dad” honey Rod says I can’t go.  Yep, he said no exercise today or tomorrow.

Yesterday I knew it was best to give up and go home.  If I did go work out, Rod would give me the cold shoulder all night for working out while I’m sick.

You know I eat a lot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I mean I eat so much food all day long.  From 8am to 10pm I’m eating, stuffing my face.  I eat healthy for the most part from 8am to 7pm.  After that I start craving bad food again.  I know I average between 1800 to 3000 calories every day now.

Even on my off exercise days I’m hungry except yesterday and today because I’m sick.

I hate to think with 2 months left, when I meet this 5 YR anniversary of my weight loss journey I’m still chasing the elusive last 15 lbs.

But not to worry, As Rod told me, I’m the most determined person he’s ever met.  I refuse to give up, give in or  call it quits.  Not in my vocabulary!

Tonight we are going to se the 4th kind with Sandra Bullock Milla Jovovich.  CAN’T WAIT!!!!!  But I miss my classes.  No kickboxing and Zumba for me.

I think someone in my office has it because I HAVE IT NOW!  Or the beginning stages of it.  Starts with the nasal congestion, then sore throat now achy body.

Yesterday I was prepping for my kickboxing and Pilates classes by eating 1800 calories.  I even bought and ate a $1 whopper when I got Rod his dinner.

But once I got home my body told me to crawl into bed and rest.  That’s where I stayed.  Rod took one look at me and said just stay warm and nap.  We watched the Lakers kick Rocket’s butt LOL.  Then Rod continue giving me deep tissue massages to work out all the kinks.

Then I ate MORE food last night.  See, it would be ok if I made it to class but I didn’t.

This morning I woke up and now it’s all in my head.  I already have my clothes ready for 1.5 hours of weights and Step with Nygel since I didn’t do it yesterday - but I know Rod will call me later in the day to tell me NOT to work out.

I’m not sure if I can.  I’m fighting it because I want to be there for Nygel since I promised her I’ll make it to her sub class.  But then if I don’t feel good by this evening, I will cancel my gym date.

I’m not sure how much I will eat today then because if I don’t work out I will eat about 1500 calories for the day.

If I do go to the gym, I need at least 1800 calories and 2700 calories for the day.

KNOWING MY ROD - he will not let me work out - instead he will ask me to come home, in bed and resting.  BOO HOOO HOOOOOOOOOO

I hate being a woman around this time of the month.  BIATCHHY BIATCHHYYY!

I come from an old school train of thought when it comes to the work place.

1. PUNCTUALITY

2. WORK THE ALLOTTED 8 HRS + 2 BREAKS + LUNCH, all clocked appropriately

3. YOU WORK!

From 18 yrs old till my previous job, most people, if not all work to this schedule no problem.  I mean we do need to show up on time,perform our job duties, then go home.

What is so hard about this?

Apparently at this office, those 3 thoughts is almost non-existent all but for a few of us.

From the lab technician, customer service rep to my assistant…..these people are something else!

Jane, my assistant is suppose to be at work at 8am per our meeting with my manager 6 months ago because she was diligiently late every freaking day.

You would think it would get better?  NO!!!! She comes in when she wants.  At first it was 8:30 now it’s more like 9am AND SHE LEAVES AT 4:20 PM AND SHE TAKES HER TWO BREAKS AND LUNCH WITHOUT CLOCKING OUT FOR LUNCH!

I found out in my production meeting that I’m not the only one who sees a problem here.  Even the Procurement Manager is pretty pissed off about it.

I honestly don’t care what hours someone works, but we wonder, since they work PART TIME-like hours do they still get full medical benefits as well as vacation time?

The answer is yes!  I know my assistant does!  And I know she took over 5 weeks of vacation, and she’s off Friday this week and two more days next week AFTER SAID 5 WEEKS OF VACATION ALREADY TAKEN!

I can’t discuss this with my boss again because, well because Jane and my boss are best friends and that is how she got the job in the first place.

Rod and I discussed this.  I mean it’s pointless having an assistant who doesn’t assist because she is just a liar - that’s how she got the job.  She can’t even create an Excel spreadsheet or do a report or project 100%!  I always end up doing it myself!

She bullshi*s all day and even one day called me to ask if I can clock her in since she was on her way in!  The audacity of that!

Rod said, let it ride!  Let my boss find out for herself.

Honestly - it’s not fair!!!  But the Procurement Manager and I said to each other, who cares what others do, we just continue doing what we know is the right thing.

VENT OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today I’m eating 1800 calories again before I hit the gym.  Going to round off the day with 2800 calories.

I have kickboxing and Pilates/Ballet!  WHOO HOOOOOO!!! Can’t wait!

Girl date with my idol Nygel!!!!@@@@@@!!!!!!!

You know how I completely idolize her! She is my all time favorite instructor in all spectrum - kickboxing, step, weights, Yoga, Pilates!  She does it all - all 80 lbs of her on her 4′10″ frame.  She is 40 yrs old but her body and face can beat that of an 18 yr old any day!

She is the very reason why I eat 3000 calories on my hi cardio days!  SHE EATS 3000 CALORIES AND WEIGHS 80 LBS!!!  I kid you not!  There are days she takes it to 3500 calories!

Yesterday it was sooooooooooo hot in class that I felt like passing out.  10 or so people left class for this reason.  The heat and sweaty sauna like atmosphere zapped most of the energy from all of us.  I was able to muster up enough strength to do 1/2 hr to 40 minutes  so of pure upper body weights and just 1/2 hr of Step.  I think I didn’t even eat close to the 2000 calories I NEED BEFORE my classes and that with the sweatbox just did it for me.

So when I was setting up for Step, Nygel came up and said Saturday, we - me, her and Sherry are going out for drinks and dinner!  WHO HOOOO!!! Nothing like going out with my idol.  I know it’s our way of getting to know each other better outside the gym.

AND being that she is Asian, we have a common ground there too.  :)  Well she’s Thai, which is slightly different from Cambodian people but the most similar to my culture, language, food….etc.

Kama, Lori and I were chatting about workout clothes.  Interesting topic!  Because as uncoordinated as I am in “real” life I can put together a great outfit for the gym - color coordinated too!

Rod always make fun of me about that.  I find that if I look put together, nice and pretty, I feel better about myself - thus I’m more motivated to workout harder.  There is nothing like being in the front of the class looking frumpy!  I mean I have a ton of people who do look to me for motivation, so there is no way I just be my usual self and not care.

On top of that I feel comfortable in my clothes, it works for me.  I never wear shorts because of my calves and jiggly cottage cheese thighs.

What I do wear is a cap to catch the sweat, typically two tops - spaghetti strap tank tops - I find that the first top catches all the sweat and the second top - gets wet from sweat but stays cleaner looking - although I’m usually drenched in buckets of sweat.

And I always wear black bottoms.  Because you never want to wear a colored bottom that when sweaty, the world can see everything.  I see it happen to people all the time.  NO THANK YOU!!!

Black or dark bottoms only.  It’s all about comfortably, efficiency, adaptability,feeling good and looking good for me.

My question is, what do my friends wear when you work out?

It’s not a fashion show I understand that, but feeling good, looking good and knowing I look good - helps me work out harder……….Hmmmmmmmm maybe this is what Rod wants me to do outside the gym!!! DING Ding MOMENT!

If ever there is a day you don’t want to work out, I assure you, put on something that looks good or feel good, it will give you that extra push to go out there and work out.

Hey, it works for me! :)  OFF EXERCISE DAY (maybe yoga)!! Food = 1800 calories to 2000 calories

There IS so much misinformation out there about this journey.  Have you ever taken 5 minutes to watch infomercials?  Like seriously, are you telling me I can go from fat to fab by wearing a stupid belt that jiggles my fat all day?  The infomercial claims that by wearing this pathetic belt that I can drop dress sizes and get a six pack……………..and you know what so many people will believe and buy it!!!!

No darling - only one way to lose belly fat and most of us, me included WILL NEVER HAVE FLAT ABS OR A SIX PACK!!!  We may lose some belly fat and have a tone look but that is REALITY NOT FAKE TEMPORARY REALITY!!!

Then there are the pills - including Jillian Michaels who I have ZERO RESPECT FOR NOW!  The pills - seriously bullshi*!! MONEY SHAKER!

And the ever so present detox, cleansers, fastings, shakes and bakes, and the HCG DIET (MY favorite of all).  Must we go there?

I think everyone should spend time doing some serious homework for themeselves before embarking on these fast fixes.

I know, I’m just one person WITH VERY STRONG VIEWS AND VERY SUBJECTIVE VIES ABOUT THIS!  Fact is, been there done that more then once!! Heard of yo-you dieting - yep don’t set yourself up for this diet.

ONLY WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT PERMANENTLY!

- EAT IN MODERATION (PORTION CONTROL) Yes, go ahead and eat that piece of chocolate cake, it won’t kill you!  Just don’t eat the whole cake!

-Mindful of what your body is asking for, intuitive listening to the only thing that you have control of!

-Take it one step at a time, set realistic goals from tiny daily ones to mega goals!

- Sleep!

-Exercise as simple as walking to classes to outdoor or indoor activities…what makes you happy and move that is exercise!

-RESPECT AND LOVE YOURSELF!!!!! NO NEGATIVE TALK - SELF PITY IS EASY BUT LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELVES MA!!!

All the weight in to world that you lose will not stay off if you do not make a lifestyle change, one that you can live with - not one that I can live with but you.

Sorry, these fad diets, nothing but temporary fixes…………..

BETTER GO BEFORE WILDFIRE GOES OFF AGAIN ABOUT THESE CRAZY FAD DIETS!

And if you are doing these diets, please I don’t care for your comments…just talking to people who wants to make some changes in their life and take a real journey!!!

Getting off my very hi horse so I can finish eating 2000 calories of food for Kickboxing, weights and Step.

Yes, you can eat too, trust me - feed your body food so you can exercise and have a happy life.

Well, I ended up not dressing up because I wasn’t in the mood.  Wildfire is RAGING!

Instead I went shopping without Rod.  Big mistake because I hate shopping and what I found, he didn’t like and it was too conservative.  So he asked for the receipt and went and got the outfit I wore below.  Now problem is, he didn’t get shoes to go with it.

But I found a pair that a friend sent me as a gift a few months back.  It matched perfectly!!!!!!

Rod and I didn’t drink much - all but two margaritas (LOL Holly reminded me we drank a bit); we didn’t have as much fun sober but it was great times!  When some Latin songs came on I was all over it with my cousin.  My, did I shake that bootaay!!!!!!

Off to catch up on blogs and the forums!

ARE THESE NOT THE HOTTEST SHOES!!!! I don’t like my big calves……………………….. but Rod does!

For example, when I was bigger I rarely left the house.  I was anti-social.  I hate having the “stare” from people.  The look of “Dang girl, why you so fat!”

See, when you are only 5′2″ like me and weigh 220 lbs and  climbing, people love to make someone like me the butt of their jokes.  Men, especially Asian Men and other men, who were my ex’s friends, used to make “funny” jokes about my fatness.  Asian people - ah to them being overweight meant you are off the dating market.  They want nothing to do with me!  My ex, his friends used to make fun of him because I was so short and chubby standing next to his 6′7″ frame.  Whatever!!! I don’t care anymore about those losers!

The “DANG WHY YOU SO FAT!!!!”  was never a question, but a statement because they think I’m too lazy and that’s why I’m fat!!!  They never stop to think differently.  But truth be told, I allowed my low self esteem to eat my way up to that weight and IF I did not stop it in 2005, who knows how much more I can gain?

Well, guess who saw at the gym the other night?  One of my ex-husband’s friends.  I saw him working in a corner, I decided to be cordial.  I went up and gently tapped him on the shoulder.  He didn’t know who I was, his eyes - was soooooo big it nearly popped out of his head.  He stuttered and couldn’t say one word to me.  He pointed at me and wanted to say “WOW” but he didn’t.

BUT I SAW HIM - WATCH ME AS I LEFT.  IT WAS  A GOOD FEELING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, goes to all the assholes in my previous life that used to make fun of me - IN YOUR FACE!!!!

To add some more honey to my night, 5 people, random people, came up to me and said, thank you for being in class each week.  When they can’t see the instructor they can see and hear me.  I’m the “second” instructor to them for kickboxing.  I was humbled by it.  THEN one lady, even grabbed my sweaty palms and just looked me in the eyes and said, you motivate me each time you are here.

And in Pilates, well, gotta love it.  I had a ton of fun.

Today is my off exercise day.  I managed to get some walking in at break and lunch - total of 3.25 miles.  BOY I CAN FEEL IT!

Tomorrow - I’m dressing up as a Lakers Girl for my ZUMBA class.  I have kickboxing and ZUMBA. I want to win the costume contest.

This is a reminder, that the past is the past and I’m making today a better day.  ALL YOU HATERS IN MY OLD LIFE THAT ONLY SAW ME AND MOCKED ME FOR BEING BIG -SCREW YOU!!!!

I took the do you know your boundary survey……………………….failed. 

Not really failed but I learned from 40 questions that I do not have any idea of what my personal boundaries are.  It’s smeared all over the place. Because of this I allow others to “hurt” me, take advanatage of me……………and so forth.  The book talks alot about the Inner Child and our True Self.  Whenever we don’t know what we stand for, what is true to us, not the ego necessarily, but who we are deep down inside we can easily be swayed by others.

I hope through learning more about my inner child and what my true self is, I will start defining my personal boundaries, the boundaries I set in all relationships and most of all continue to be true to myself.

I have for the last yr rid myself of the victim mentallity.  I’m not a victim - I choose to be one.  Yes, our past does effect who we are, but we are all in control of what we do today.

This too goes for this journey.  I am not a victim, I take accountability for myself, I will set boundaries with others here and in life.

If someone wants to take their journey to the left and I’m going to the right, so be it.  After all, we are accountable to ourselves and ourselves only.

Last night I had a great great great short run at the gym.  I wanted to come home to my honey.  I did 45 min elliptical and 30 minutes lower body weights with the BOSU.

TONIGHT IT’S ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2 HRS OF KICKBOXING AND PILATES!!! :)  2000 CALORIES BEFORE CLASS AND 3000 CALORIES FOR THE DAY

I thought the summertime was bad, but it’s worse now.  I know a lot of people are sick, having to deal with the flu and most people are back in school.

I wonder how much of an impact not having a site such as buddyslim effect their journey.   I know when I’m away even for a couple of days, I care a bit less about my own journey.

What can I do but do my part and contribute?   I miss you guys - the people that are not around.  Those that are here every day - thanks for being here!

LET’S SUPPORT EACH OTHER!!

Last night the Step class was horrible - sub was not a good instructor.  And I was so nervous yesterday I didn’t eat enough food.  I did an hour of pure upper body weights, 20 min. on the elliptical and 1 hour in Step.

Today I plan on doing 40 minutes lower body weights and 40 minutes of the elliptical and 1 hr pilates.

Last night Rod and I talked a bit about what our plans are.  I asked him if I should stop watching these like wedding programs on Oxygen, Bravo…etc.  I just hate sitting there wishing.  Why wish when I should live in reality was the question I pose.  He told me, he just wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  I know in his culture, he needs to take this up with his mom.  The 3 of us needs to sit down and talk this through.  Days like this I miss my step dad, wish my father was in my life and Rod’s father was in his life.  But we don’t.  It’s just us.  We will make it work!

He asked me last night about us getting married.  He truly wants to surprise me with a ring and all but you know, times are tough.  R E A L I TY - We don’t have a lot of money.

As my friends and family points out, when is really a good time?  So what right?  A ring is just a ring, we can always get my dream one later.

Rod’s mom have asked him now to do this.  She feels that he and I are very good for one another.  At first I thought he was half joking, but it’s very real.

We are getting our certificate Monday.  From there he has 3 months,  I told him he has 3 months to get me a ring.

I truly want, desire to have an Cambodian wedding ceremony - just for pictures mainly.  I think his mom is asking for an African outfit to be injected in there somewhere.  We will need to talk to his mom and my mom, I need my cousin and my sister to help put this small ceremony together - it will be intimate - just family that is it.

Above all, beyond the ring, the ceremony, we love each other.  He’s never been married and he only wants to do it once.  I want to do it for love.   We are doing it for love.

Ummmm, I wish I can change things and have money for a dream wedding but my reality is, we feel like we are one since our First date 2 years ago.  It’s time to make it legal.

IS this going to be my dream wedding?  Probably not but I have my dream man.  Through all of our trials and tribulations, he makes me happy, and I make him happy.  Our heart is together therefore, we will make this marriage work.

I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NERVOUS!!!!!