Nancy’s Weight loss Journey 5 Yrs & Counting

LOL = NO NO THE SCALE IS NOT TWO FACED, EVIL SOMETIMES BUT NOT TWO FACED.

I have not visited a scale in over a month.  I have no intention of getting on it.  The scale creates a two face person in me.  On a  day it gives me a good number I’m in love with it.  I hi-five myself and I have a great day right?  Oh, let it be a day it gives me a nasty ready - I become sulky, emotional, irritable and I start feeling sorry for myself.

What’s the best cure?  Stay of that biiiiiattt** and continue doing everything I’m suppose to do.  It’s evil that scale. Well, the scale, because it’s just a stupid/good machine LOL.  It’s just the emotions it brings out in me, in us.

Let’s be real, don’t a bad scale reading ruin a part of your day if not most of it?  It makes you think - shi** what the hell did I do to mess up this time?  For me, it kills any good mood I’m in and I can admit that.  So my best bet is to stay off it and just enjoy everything that I do.  Who cares anywayz right?  As long as our clothes fit, the measurements are decreasing, our heart is strong, we are healthy, who gives  a hoot about the scale?

Again, I’ve been doing this almost 5 years now and if I got on the scale  once a day, twice a week or even weekly, it would drive me insane!  And it used to.  Believe me.

Yes, at the beginning I love seeing the numbers dropped fast….drop drop drop.

But there comes a point where my body, not talking about yours, my body refuses to let go of the fat.  Which, I’m coming to terms with too.  I do what is best and  that is keep doing me.

The bed beckoned my name and a hot honey kept me in it.  On this off work morning I decided to go for a nice long 1 hr swim in my complex pool.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so cool and nice.   My only request - an IPOD for swimmers!  Could someone invent it so I can buy it?  PLEASE?

Getting ready to go to the gym; can’t wait to connect with Nygel for Kickboxing and then another Pilates class from my favorite instructor.

Food wise - oh my, staying on course again tonight.  I have to for my own sake.

I have read 0 blogs today.  I guess there’s a lot of catching up to do tonight.

YAY YAY YAY!!!! AHH, finally after a few days of stuffy, funky headache it’s all over.  I feel like my old self again.  Well, almost.

Tuesday I came home changed and got to the gym for a 2 mile run before my Pilates class.  First run in a couple of weeks.  OK, so the shoes bothered me a bit but I don’t care.  That Pilates class was a biaaat**!!!  She is tough but I’m glad she gave it to me.  I needed a big arse whooping.

I really thought I can do  another 1 or 2 miles after class but dannnnnnnnnnnnnnnng homegirl puts it on us.

I decided to rededicate to me time and quality food time.  I don’t have time to post on sparkspeople nor do I care at this point.  I already know where I am when it comes to my fat, protein, carbs and sodium range.  I also know how many calories I’m taking in most of the time.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO what did I eat today?

Early pre-weight routine food:

1 slice of bread w/ 2 tsp peanut butter, water

Breakfast:

2 cups cherries

6oz coffee w/ cacao bits and cream no sugar

2 cups yogi tea and goji berries

Snack: a few roasted unsalted nuts

Lunch:

large cucumber with skin and all

4 oz of chicken -grilled

2 cups of romaine

2 cups spinach with my Asian peanut Vinaigrette

Dinner:

1 grilled chicken thigh w/ 6 oz of rice

2 donut holes and 1/4 of a ham and cheese croissant

If I was to eat anything tonight it would be:

2 cups of spinach and 2 cups of romaine salad w/ the Asian Vinaigrette
I took Wednesday off to take care of errands.  I plan on doing another short run since I don’t like to overdo my runs.  Let’s aim for 2.5 miles.  Because in the evening it’s KICKBOXING AND PILATES!

YAY - so happy to feel good and positive about things again.

This morning - I set my alarm for 5:30 am weight work out and I got it in.  Oh my, this was the first time I did weights in two weeks and it was heavenly!!!!!! :)  All I need is a run, some push-ups and my yoga class to finish my evening.

LAST NIGHT

I was at the gym talking to other people when I get a call from Rod about 10 minutes before class.  Ummm, Lexus is in the shop and it needs this this and that.  He gives me the total.  I’m like, I don’t have even $50 to cover any of this work.   This was after the other money I spent earlier in the week on the car.  He says, oh, well, just letting you know because I can’t drive the car home.  Well, what do you want to do I asked.  Can you come get me I’m in LA?  No, I have two classes!  Sigh, so what do I do?  It just killed killed my mood and anticipation of two great classes.  I swear, all the food I ate in the world could Monday gave me zero energy.  I just kept thinking - what little money I have now for food for him and gas for work - all gone to the car!

Class was great but I was too upset that I didn’t enjoy it like I normally would.  And the thought of missing yoga just makes me miserable.

On the way there I kept thinking, when am I ever going to get a small break?  Just a small one?  Where I don’t have to worry about every penny I spend.  I don’t have to worry about all the bills that must be paid.  More importantly, who will I react when I see him will either 1) cause a fight or 2) we live in peace.  I want the later.  I don’t want or need an argument.

I get there and instead of reacting - huffing and puffing about what money needs to be spent just be more broke then we are already - is that possible?  I just waited for my kiss, he came over put gas in the car and we talked.

He has this calm attitude which is what I needed.  He went on to explain he worked a deal with his friend the rim shop owner.  He got some new tires, and all the needed replacement parts almost near cost.  Good thing his friend will let him get the parts, put it on the Lexus and work it off this weekend.I’m glad I took the time to think about how I was going to react before getting there.  I’m glad I listened and was a good partner.  I could be sitting here writing a blog about the argument we got into over money.

Instead, I’m writing one about how two people, who with close to $0 in their pockets, worked together as a team, found a solution to a problem and counted their blessings.  We truly did.  As I drove us home we talked about how in this economy, what little we have, we should thank God for.  We have so much because we have money still coming in, enough to pay bills and stay afloat and you know what?  Things will always happen  - car repairs, bills, bills, bills….what’s the point of stressing over it?  I know as the breadwinner I feel like a failure each time I do not make budget.  But I have to let it go.

I know there are greater catastrophes taking place each and every day.  But this blog is about my life.  I can’t speak for anyone else.  I sometimes feel a bit guilty talking about myself - but this is my space to share my thoughts and my daily struggles with everything that effects my personal journey.

I ate well all day no process food.  Just good healthy food.  I’m just taking a step back and getting my head back in gear.

This is starting to worry me and I just don’t know enough about the BLOG dashboard to figure it out. Somehow, someone is linking my blogs to other sites. Who’s doing it and how can I stop them from doing it? My blogs are intended for this site and this site only. I feel my privacy is invaded by this site. Anyone knows enough about blogs, blogrolls, blog options to help me out?

http://technorati.com/blogs/khmerbeauty.buddyslim.com?reactions

I’m at an all time low and I will say it’s all hormonal, the heat factor and just feeling like a big fat bloat. Been feeling bloated this last month. I had maybe one day where I felt skinny. How sick is that? LOL

I’ve been whining and complaining to Rodney about it and he’s being very supportive. I think he knows if he doesn’t support he will get no bootay.

I’m trying to pull myself out of this head funk. I know it’s my womanly hormones just raging away. Honestly, I don’t like the feeling. I want to feel “normal” although what is normal right? LOL

Well, everything and anything is annoying me. I just want this day over with so I can go to the gym and work out my pent up frustrations. Just tired of everything in life……well - hopefully tomorrow I come back with a kick a$$ attitude.

But right now I feel like a 1 on a scale of 1 to 10.

I just text my workout idol/instructor told her I need my kickboxing fix tonight to get rid of this nasty feeling. She said bring it she’ll take care of it.

I SLEPT AND SLEPT AND SLEPT AND SLEPT.

My niece,turned 9.  Her mother was suppose to throw a big party for her on Saturday but none of it happened.  Sunday my brother and I scrambled to put a party together.  I used money I didn’t have and just did everything I haven’t done in a long long time.

I didn’t get to any classes on Saturday on account of a car show.  Then Rod and I spent the day watching a movie - Transformer for the third time.  Then we went to Denny’s.  Denny’s have some great new stuff on their menu now.  :)  We got a 2 for $20 special but I ended up eating just the soup,  a bit of my chicken fajitas and my ice cream.

Sunday no exercise except swim time with the kids. This party took up every second of my free time. Should I even list the food I ate?

Breakfast: Leftover chicken fajitas

Lunch - and birthday bash: 1 small cheeseburger, a salad, grilled steak and chicken, rice, 1/2 a hot dog, watermelon, alcohol, cupcakes, a slice of cake and chips!!!!! OH MY!

Dinner -  Fried tilipia w/ 1/2 cup of rice

This weekend, well, will be the last in a long long long long time!!!!

I don’t regret it.  I’m just glad it’s over.  Well, I’m glad the food, the party, the people. playing TABOO is all over.  I’m just tired!!

I bought spinach, romaine, my Asian vinaigrette, tomatoes, cucumbers, apples and banana for work.  That should last me a few days.

This is the first time  I truly let go and ate.  To be honest, it didn’t feel so good.

As you all know, Nic’s mom passed away this week.  So glad to see my girl getting a ton of support.

Today I’m so ready to get back on track and living the good life again. :)  I youtubed the hip hip class and been practicing for Friday.  Tonight I have my kickboxing and yoga combo.

There is no way I can catch up from this weekend.  I guess I will catch you on your new blogs girls!

Happy Saturday everyone!!

I canceled my kickboxing date with Nygel and the Sports Club visit.  Boo hooooo  hoooooo!  Rodney had an invite to a car show in Huntington Beach area.  We are going like right now.  I really wanted to go to class.  Oh well.

Last nights kickboxing class  was awesome but HIP HOP - ME GOTS IT! :)  I am really on the up and up with the choreography.  Pops my own collar for keeping with it for 5 classes and learning the moves.  I assure you, when we film the next time I will - I will send the link to it for youtube. :) 

It’s only 3 days into my paycheck and after all the bills are paid we are just about broke again.   I sat here for a while thinking how should I approach this?  Rodney is having a hard time getting a job.  The last one, they pulled from under him because of his record.

I make decent money but trying to support my family is taking a real huge burden on me mentally.  But I’m going to be smart about it.

My commitment to my sanity for the next 12 days so I don’t go mad about money:

1. NO BIATC*ING ABOUT MONEY!!!  WE WORK WITH WHAT WE HAVE

2. I KNOW ROD IS TRYING FOR A JOB BUT HAVING A RECORD IS NOT GOING TO STOP HIM FROM GETTING A JOB.  I’M GOING TO MAKE IT MY JOB TO HELP HIM GET A JOB.  SCHOOL CAN’T HAPPEN UNTIL HIS MOM COMES BACK

3. I’M TIRED OF MY MOTHER AND HER BULSHI* THAT LANDED MY BROTHER IN HIS SITUATION NOW.  THE NEXT TIME SHE COMPLAINS ABOUT MONEY - LOOKING AT BOTH BROTHERS TO LOOK FOR A JOB!  NOT MY PROBLEM

4.  MOM, BROTHERS AND EVERYONE CAN KISS MY AS*!!  IF YOU DON’T LIKE WHAT I BUY THEN GO GET A FREAKIN’ JOB!  YOU WANT JUNK FOOD - GET A FREAKIN’ JOB.  YOU WANT ALCOHOL - GET A FREAKIN’ JOB!  YOU WANT ANY FRILLS - GET A FREAKIN’ JOB!

5.  NOT MY PROBLEM IF THEY THINK REAL FOOD LIKE LEAN PROTEIN, VEGGIES AND FRUITS IS NOT REAL FOOD!!! YOU WANT SOMETHING ELSE - GET A FREAKIN’ JOB!

6.  All you mo’ fo’s in my family that likes to make excuses about no job…economy blah blah blah…. GET A FREAKIN’ JOB AND STOP GAMBLING AND MAYBE THERE MAY BE SOME MONEY.  So screw the poor is me attitude.

My money, I’m keeping for what I need and that has everything to do with my food because hey, I have enough clothes, shoes and whatever else.  If you don’t like it………..GET A FREAKIN’ JOB!

LOL - whatever, tired of everyone here complaining about money yet lazy asses sleeps all day long and gamble.  No one ever gave me that luxury - EVER!

Won’t be on till tonight to catch up.  HAVE FUN TODAY!!!!!

I am so upset with my own kind!!!!! HOW DARE THEY? HOW DARE THEY DISCRIMINATE AGAINST OTHERS?

See, Rod found a Cambodian website that is similar to this but it’s about everything and anything - the only thing different, it’s Cambodian based but it’s open to EVERYONE!

Rodney has a funny and off the wall sense of humor and he found a connection with the people on there. Also, having me as a girlfriend, he posts our pictures and a ton on my pictures on there.

He’s been drama free for the past 4 to 5 months. He’s very popular. And yes the girls flirts with him but I know all about it. But that is not what this blog is about.

It’s about one Cambodian guy that THINKS Rodney should not be on there because he’s not Cambodian!!! He throws the “N” word around - that is a word I won’t touch - EVER! I have complete respect for the word and most people won’t use it around me because I’ve made it clear that I don’t tolerate it. Rod, being African, doesn’t mind the word so much.

Well, this Cambodian guy, wants Rodney off the site. He’s been posting blogs using the “N” word and how “N’s shouldn’t be on there and so forth. He’s been harrassing Rodney every single day. What hurts me, is that people are ignorant - just plain ignorant.

I told Rod, stand up for yourself and he is. He also reported the guy to the site owner for harrassment.

I believe if a site is open to all, it doesn’t matter who joins as long as that person follows the rules and regulations.

Yes, Rod is one of the few non-Cambodian on there, but his presence is good. It shows people are open and we are all one!!

COME ON GET OVER YOURSELF!!!! This is living in the real world!

hahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so mad I can’t eat!!

This was the question Rod posed to me last night.

I finally got a real good night sleep.  YAY!  Your prayer worked.

As my off exercise day I had more time to spend with my Rodney.  Lana, my HIP HOP instructor sends us an email detailing the proposed color scheme for today.  It’s blue and I don’t have a lot of blue colored exercise clothes.  When getting dressed I found nothing that felt comfortable for this hot weather.  As soon as I finished making my purchase of 5 tops and 4 bottoms for the gym.  Two of the four bottoms are short shorts. I started changing in the parking lot.  I just wanted out of the jeans and into something breathable.

When I got out of the car all I thought was COTTAGE CHEESE COTTAGE CHEESE!  I jiggle with every step.  Unlike my shorts for the club, there is no darkness to hide the cheese or different lights to play off my legs so that you can’t see them.  They were there for all the other shoppers to see.

Rod was nice.  He tells me I looked good.  I was having a hard time walking around without feeling self conscious.  BUT I was very comfortable though I must admit.

Then when I was in a section with a lot of mirrors, I looked and I looked a few more times….ok, cottage cheese not so apparent but then it could be the lights playing tricks on me because when I look down COTTAGE CHEESE!

When we got home Rod asked me Why don’t u believe me when I tell u, u look beautiful in the shorts?  It took me a while to respond.  I told him, it’s not him, it’s me.  I don’t have self confidence in shorts.  Shorts are very revealing.  There is no hiding in shorts.   I said, you know you can’t erase almost 18+ yrs of ugly self talk.  Yes, he’s done a great job helping me build self confidence, but there’s still a lot I have to work on my own.

I never compared myself to anyone.  I was afraid others would see my cottage cheese and snicker and laugh at me.  But I’m trying.  I will wear shorts and hold my  head up high.  This entry is a reminder of how far I’ve come and how much work I have to do to believe in myself.  IT’S HARD!  I won’t say it’s easy.  I really was terrified to be in them.

Well, I have my blue top and black bottoms for class.  Can’t wait to do both kickboxing and HIP HOP.  Then Saturday Nygel is teaching a special kickboxing class that I will take at a different gym chain and some weights.

This is my first full year on buddyslim and I’ve noticed a trend. It seems like there’s an increase in membership and activity around September to December with a very high level of activity around late December to maybe February. This is on account of all the people making New Year resolutions.

Then from February to about April it’s pretty active. Most people are on board. Then May till now I’ve notice a deep decline in activity from a lot of people.

Last night I was thinking about all my buddies I saw on a regular basis. Then some started slipping away. I must apologize for not always keeping up with my friends but there are only so many hours in the day to do so. That’s why I do better with blogs and forums. It’s like the more you are on daily the better chance I have to stay in touch.

I had some great buddies who left. Mel, I know some of you remember Mel. She lost internet access. I think about her often. She was such a fun person to have. She even stopped smoking for a few weeks and saved a ton of money.

I miss Stephanie. I know she has to take care of mom. That girl inspired me to keep running. She did her first 5K in the Boston marathon. So proud of her. Missed you girl!

There are so many friends that comes on and off.

I wish the people who no longer comes on the best of luck.

For me, staying on board every single day is important. As I told a recent blogger, buddyslim does take up A LOT of time. But it’s well worth it. I’ve made connections with so many people. We laugh and share in each other daily struggle. I know my friends quirky ways - ie Becky’s RB - I love RB. LOL

I told Rodney the other day, you know why I connect with the people of buddyslim? They understand me like no one else in this world. We bond over our food addiction, exercise addiction or lack of it. They know what it’s like to feel invisible - Nisey - for you girl. They know what it’s like to have I feel fat or I feel skinny days. They know what it’s like to feel as if a man likes you for your looks or not. They know what it’s like to be discriminated against for being fat or what it’s like to be treated differently because you’ve lost weight.
They know what it’s like to lose and gain lose and gain. They know what it’s like when I say, dang - why did I eat ANOTHER DONUT!!!! LOL

I also told him, for me, I have lived vicariously through my friends blogs. I’ve been to St. Louis, I’ve been to Maryland. I’ve been to Florida. I’ve been to Ireland. I’ve been to South Africa….through their stories.

So guys, thanks for being here. I hope to see more of you.

So this picture is my baby - don’t I love and hate him for looking like he’s in his 20’s.  It’s ok, the pic is for me - so I can you know, sit at work and make love birdy faces as I look at him.  LOL  Seriously, love that man!  He’s my rock as you guys are!  This weekend was proof of it.  This is dedicated to a man who, most of the time I love but boy, do I want to go all WILDFIRE on him! LOL Takes a lot of heat from me but one thing, never gives up on me since day one.

I have done my best to not bring my dirty laundry and baggage from my old relationship to this one.

One thing my ex never did was PDA’s. He actually never truly acknowledged me or even introduced me to his friends. Me being naive believed him when he said, they are not the type of people he wants me to associate with. Yes, I was gullible.

Our gym date between me and Rod was different. Well, every day is different. He likes to hold my hands in public, hug me, not too much but just enough. I on the other hand is hesitant because I’m AFRAID he would reject me in public - even though he has not.

Yesterday at the gym, once we got up to the top level where the basketball court and Group X room was, I waved to him bye and no kiss. That was me being shy. He looked at me weird but didn’t say anything.

When I went to look for him before class, he saw me, walked over, leaned in, hugged me and kissed me. I was HAPPY!

At home, I told him why I was afraid to show him affection, well, because I didn’t want him to embarrass me in front of other people. He said no, he does what comes naturally. Whew, deep sigh of relief.

I don’t know why I was soooo nervous. So unnecessary. OK - I tell myself to chill out then. Well, after 1 1/2 yrs of no exercise he sure felt it.  Can we say someone is REALLY SORE!!

Rod came for lunch and brought INDIAN FOOD!  CURRY LOVE - CHICKEN TANDOORI, NAAN……drools.  It was soo good.

I was really busy today so all I ate was 3 cups of cherries and the Indian food, green tea w/ goji berries and water.  I knew I didn’t eat enough.  So I ate one full Apex energy bar right before kickboxing and 1/2 during.  Again I don’t know how people do it…..I just can’t work out if I don’t eat my full requirement of fruit, veggies, fiber and protein.    Today I missed out on veggies other then the cauliflower and potato whatever Rod  brought.

Thursday……hmmmmmm I want to sneak out in the morning to workout - get some weights in.  My left arm is 100% again.  That is if I go to bed soon and get in 8 hours.  Wish me luck I get decent sleep tonight…..vs. last night’s fiasco.