Y I DON’T talk to anyone outside of BS about my eating problems; A cry for help not answered.
VERY HARD AND PERSONAL BLOG TO WRITE. YRS AGO YOU COULDN’T GET THIS OUT OF ME.
I’m made it thru my 6th night of no night time eating. I’m very proud of myself for sticking with it and fighting it.
I’ll be honest with you, I’m scared of January 1, 2010. It marks the 5th year of my weightloss journey. Even though I know I’ve come very far, I still have ways to go. It is a permanent lifestyle change. A lot of it I learned here.
What do I do? I decided to take on part II of talking to Rodney about my eating problems. As much as I make light of my eating issues; I truly feel like food consumes my thought day in and out. It’s apparent in my blog from yesterday. As much as I rely on you guys to help me deal with my eating problems, I also need to get my people HERE to understand what I’m dealing with. Told him that his challenge has woken me up out of my comfort zone and really is helping me win this stupid night time eating battle. But at the same time, I see myself obsessing about eating disorders, hence reading up on anorexia, reading up on bulimia and thinking, wow - could it be that easy to lose weight that way? I want him to help me, watch me, should there be a change in me, should I go from one extreme to the other, to help me.
This is a psychological nightmare at times. As I started explaining to him how much food consumes my thoughts, the fact that it’s there every waking hour, is a cry for help. As I continue to talk, he becomes agitated cuts me off and tells me I don’t have an eating problem and to stop being melodramatic. I said, I thought I can come talk to you about anything. I told him, it’s hard for me to open up to anyone about what I’m dealing with. TO PULL HIM TO THE SIDE AND TALK TAKES COURAGE. SLAP IN THE FACE IT WAS.
He pushed it all aside to say, well, why are you repeating yourself? We went over this already. You are singing the same song. I really wanted him to understand how difficult this is and to be told by him that I don’t have a problem and all I need to do is stop eating, is well harsh.
I notice that when it comes to this issue, Rodney is not understanding; well, he tells me he understands, but he doesn’t.
This is the very reason why I’m always here. I find comfort in knowing I am not alone in my struggle with food.
How far I’ve come in almost 5 yrs:
I don’t emotionally eat as much as I used to
I eat very healthy, clean but in moderation
I eat breakfast
I drink a ton of water
I don’t binge but every so often
I’m healthy!!!
But at the same time, eating, food consumes my life and I’m trying to deal. If he can’t listen to me talk about food twice in one week, then I won’t talk to him ever again. It’s pointless. I really wanted his help, because should there be a day I flip out and go anorexic or turn to bulimia again, I will need to lean on him and my family to pull me through. Because if your closest loved ones can’t help, who will? But I learned the lesson, keep talking to those who understands, compassionate and willing to help me along on this journey.
OH DON’T EVEN GET INTO THE EXERCISE ISSUE. THAT’S ANOTHER BLOG ALTOGETHER ABOUT THAT CONVERSATION.
THIS IS MY VENT, A REMINDER TO SELF, DON’T TALK TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS STRUGGLE. IT ONLY TEARS YOU DOWN. 
That’s why its good to be here we are a group of people with much of the same issues with food. People that don’t have food issues just can’t relate. Deeper than that you know on a healthy level the proper food to eat to fuel your body and from your pic. you look awesome but, your obsession with food scares you that it may reverse all your hard work. I know like most of us money is a issue but, you should see a psychologist that specializes in food issues. You may find its not food that is the problem but, what you use in place of dealing other issues.
i agree with you love. sometimes i talk to my friends and i get a blank stare followed by a “your not fat” and an awkward silence.
i know that for me i have to fall back hard on this community because i too have nobody to console with.
dont feel bad. Rodney loves you but at the same time it is very hard to grasp something that, for him, has never been reality or anything close to what he has had to see or face.
but it sucks. i know
just come here and ignore the man. haha
Love ya!
So sorry sweetie. We should be able to talk to the ones we love about anything as they would want us to be there for them. I too struggle with food and understand how hurt you are. I have always eaten and been fat to hide myself…to disappear into the recesses and not draw more hurt. It is a defense.
You are a strong and amazing woman! That is what shines through and that is what should be important and valued!!! How can we change the opinion of others when even we buy into the focus being a size or number on the scale? All that we do is for our HEALTH….to live long and strong….to be vibrant and good citizens to those around us and our planet. It is only when we are healthy are we truly at our best and able to live out God’s purpose for our lives. OWN THAT! You said it yourself in your blog….you are healthy….THAT is what matters you beautiful, intelligent young woman.
Just a thought, have you ever thought about mentoring to young girls with eating disorders? Show them how to eat healthy and to enjoy exercise? Maybe that is your purpose?
Love you girl….you will get through this!
So sorry sweetie. We should be able to talk to the ones we love about anything as they would want us to be there for them. I too struggle with food and understand how hurt you are. I have always eaten and been fat to hide myself…to disappear into the recesses and not draw more hurt. It is a defense.
You are a strong and amazing woman! That is what shines through and that is what should be important and valued!!! How can we change the opinion of others when even we buy into the focus being a size or number on the scale? All that we do is for our HEALTH….to live long and strong….to be vibrant and good citizens to those around us and our planet. It is only when we are healthy are we truly at our best and able to live out God’s purpose for our lives. OWN THAT! You said it yourself in your blog….you are healthy….THAT is what matters you beautiful, intelligent young woman.
Just a thought, have you ever thought about mentoring to young girls with eating disorders? Show them how to eat healthy and to enjoy exercise? Maybe that is your purpose?
Love you girl….you will get through this!
I learned quite recently that sometimes different people in my life have to be in different boxes - it was sad - at first because I thought that I could have intimacy on every level with my Other Half - but no, I have to take some of my stuff elsewhere - because in my case and with my issues he goes the other way and gets too ANGRY and involved. He cant just listen and say nothing or just be supportive, like say my best girlfriend can - he has to try to SOLVE everything - this doesn’t work and leaves me and him frustrated - So I dont go there with him. So basically Nancy - i hear you - it’s painful when you want them to really KNOW you and you are sharing deeply and they just dont realise, or want that depth -
If you would just permit me on little comment though - Rod is still quite young. Most guys i know are rubbish at reality until their late 30’s
- but you may disagree with this
I am so glad we ALL have eachother.
The #1 key in a relationship is communication. You are just mad now that he didn’t understand. But you two are suppose to be a team. You should tell him the things that you told us… That you are upset that he doesn’t understand, and that you are afraid that you are going to fall one day, and that he wont be there for you. It’s not pointless to communicate. Even if he doesn’t understand he hears you… And if he really loves you (and I’m sure he does) He’ll remember the things you said, and when that day comes he’ll take your hand and help you back up. If you don’t communicate your worries with him he’ll never know how you feel. And who wants to be in a relationship like that…
I hope my advice helps you.
I am sorry he doesnt understand. I dont think alot of men do, but then again I guess there are some women that wouldn’t either.
I agree with the above though. You should tell him how bad it makes you feel that you cant talk to him when you need him the most. I have had to do that with my hubby many times over about things. Just keep trying with him.
((((((NANCY)))))
Sweetie!For these very reasons and more, I never talk about my eating (or exercise) with “other” people unless they bring it up, and ask legitimate questions or want to make suggestions/recommendations. It’s hard to feel like you don’t have support where you need it most–I’m so sorry this keeps happening with Rod.
In my experience, I haven’t run into a lot of people who do understand until this site. My struggles with food do run in the family, but I am not always comfortable discussing all of my issues with them even if I think they get it. Loni made a great point, he loves you but he just can’t understand. I’m sending some hugs your way.
((((Nancy)))) Sorry he doesn’t understand. But you have us and we are here when ever you need someone. I have wondered how productive my life would be if I didn’t think about foo 90% of my waking hours.
Sorry nancy he is not very understanding. But he also cannot help it if he does not get it. he sees how awesome you look and sees your dedication so in his mind you are doing just fine.
It is tough not to have understandign from the one you lost the most but… you also cannot blame him because he never been in your shoes..
Hang in there sweetie
Nancy, it’s really brave of you to put all this out here (very cleansing in a way too). Sorry you aren’t finding the support you need from your partner.
I hope you are able to find some peace in your struggle.
Your frustration is normal because people don’t respect food addiction / eating disorders as a deadly addiction. To expect someone who does not struggle with food and weight to truly understand is a high hope, but you do deserve compassion,empathy and support. Returning to bulimia is not an option, don’t let it be. It almost took my life a few years ago, I was in my early twenties and I almost died due to my bulimia, how sad. Try to stop seeing puking or starving as an option because both can and do kill………. if we are dead what’s the point of being thin? You can find freedom from the obsession of food, you just got to turn it over and eat your meal plan no matter what. Its hard I know but we can do it, together.
Your frustration is normal because people don’t respect food addiction / eating disorders as a deadly addiction. To expect someone who does not struggle with food and weight to truly understand is a high hope, but you do deserve compassion and empathy and support. Returning to bulimia is not an option, don’t let it be. It almost took my life a few years ago I was in my early twenties and I almost died due to my bulimia, how sad. Try to stop seeing puking or starving as an option because both can and do kill………. then what’s the point of being thin? You can find freedom from the obsession of food, you just got to turn it over and eat your meal plan no matter what. Its hard I know but we can do it
That sucks, Nancy, that Rod wasn’t able to be the supportive listener you needed. Boo!
I understand what you mean, in terms of struggling with food and what’s healthy and what’s not… The only time since early childhood that I’ve been anywhere near thin, I was practically starving myself. I wasn’t to the anorexic extreme, but I was very, very monitored about what I ate — instant breakfast shakes with skim milk, grapes, pretzels, boiled chicken…almost exclusively for like two years. I looked great, but I was sick all the time, exhausted, and in worse shape than when I was bigger. (Seriously, I had to quit playing soccer because I was too weak to play, even though I was thinner — ironic, huh?)
Point is, a lot of us here do understand the struggles, and are piecing together this journey for ourselves — and each other. We’re glad you’re here and feel safe talking and sharing with us. You ARE an inspiration.
I used to be just like that, nancy!!!!!!!!!! I understand 100% I don’t eat like that nomore but I am scare that I may go back when I lose all the weight,but that why we are here on buddyslim nancy!!! to help get over it, it is not going to be done over night, BUt I do know that one day I will be over it…and SO WILL YOU!!!NINJA LOVE!!!
Someone who has never suffered with food addictions or eating disorders will never be able to understand what it’s like for those of us who have/are. I fight the urge to go back to my anorexic lifestyle every day. It’s always in the back of my mind. It probably always will be. All I can say is don’t let that fear control or consume you. You have the power the fight it. You have all of us here for support…free therapy?
You’ve done so well. You’re a real inspiration to many of us (myself especially).
hmmm, I am not sure I understand the idea that food controls or consumes the mind idea since I never experienced it.
But…it seems that you worry you might become anorexic and/or bulimic again? I am sorry, that is not the Nancy I know! The Nancy I know loves exercise and she could not possible skip meals or eliminate meals because that would ruin the enjoyment of the exercise. Who tells us not to eat too little because our bodies will go into starvation mode and burn muscle instead of fat. Remember that Nancy?
But I sometimes think the “hunt” for food is nature and natural, somehow. We think there is going to be a famine so our bodies drives us to eat to prepare for going days without eating. So I guess it is biological? I think we have a little of that in all of us.
The thing is, do you decide to eat healthy food, or not so healthy food? I think that is the biggest point.
Sorry this probably didn’t help at all?
Nancy I am the exact same way. I remember thinking about food even when I was in gradeschool. I don’t talk to many people about it because they do think I’m being dramatic or something. They don’t understand and I’m ok with that. People that haven’t had addictions don’t understand it.
I think it’s something we’ll always have to deal with but I think it will get easier with time. It’s just like someone addicted to other things, it will always be a fear but you just have to deal with it emotionally and try to do it the right way. I think you are and you won’t go back to not eating/throwing up.
I swear, one day they will figure out some biological reason we’re like this and then we’ll feel better that there IS something behind how we feel.
I am sorry huh (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))… I don’t know if it’s men or if it’s any one that hasn’t gone through it… My mom is not understanding to my dad with his weight issues… And Henry sometime gets it, but often doesn’t. I think they think we can just stop it… And speaking for myself, It is not that easy… I’m glad we have each other….
Hey Nancy, I thought Cathal didnt understand me properly either. It was one of the main reasons why I wanted to and tried to break up with him. It took something like that to make him wake up, listen more, and be more supportive as a boyfriend. Now, I’m now way suggesting you break up with Rodney, but maybe he needs a good stern talking to. He cant see the thoughts going on in your head. He obviously cant tell how much they affect you. If you’re looking up those ana and mia sites then the old ED is raising it’s head again. I know, cuz I’m there now and trying to get it back under control, with Cathal’s help this time.
If it’s something that’s really impacting on your mental life, then you need to put it out in black and white to him. Sit him down, and dont let him leave until he achkownledges that this is another aspect of your life that you have to deal with, with his help.
((((((((((Nancy)))))))))I understand your pain. You do really need to have Rod understand. I agree with Blaithin.
I do know I could not do this without the support of you and my buddies, you all understand me more than anyone.
Rob doesn’t understand, either. But, we are all here for you, just as you are for us. And don’t be scared of 5 years, it’s a major accomplishment!!