Khmerbeauty 1 Life 1 Destiny

VERY HARD AND PERSONAL BLOG TO WRITE.  YRS AGO YOU COULDN’T GET THIS OUT OF ME.

I’m made it thru my 6th night of no night time eating.   I’m very proud of myself for sticking with it and fighting it.

I’ll be honest with you, I’m scared of January 1, 2010.  It marks the 5th year of my weightloss journey.  Even though I know I’ve come very far, I still have ways to go.  It is a permanent lifestyle change.  A lot of it I learned here.

What do I do?  I decided to take on part II of talking to Rodney about my eating problems.  As much as I make light of my eating issues; I truly feel like food consumes my thought day in and out.  It’s apparent in my blog from yesterday.  As much as I rely on you guys to help me deal with my eating problems, I also need  to get my people HERE to understand what I’m dealing with.  Told him that his challenge has woken me up out of my comfort zone and really is helping me win this stupid night time eating battle.  But at the same time, I see myself obsessing about eating disorders, hence reading up on anorexia, reading up on bulimia and thinking, wow - could it be that easy to lose weight that way?  I want him to help me, watch me, should there be a change in me, should I go from one extreme to the other, to help me.

This is a psychological nightmare at times.  As I started explaining to him how much food consumes my thoughts, the fact that it’s there every waking hour, is  a cry for help.  As I continue to talk, he becomes agitated cuts me off and tells me I don’t have an eating problem and to stop being melodramatic.  I said, I thought I can come talk to you about anything.  I told him, it’s hard for me to open up to anyone about what I’m dealing with.  TO PULL HIM TO THE SIDE AND TALK TAKES COURAGE. SLAP IN THE FACE IT WAS.

He pushed it all aside to say, well, why are you repeating yourself?  We went over this already.  You are singing the same song.   I really wanted him to understand how difficult this is and to be told by him that I don’t have a problem and all I need to do is stop eating, is well harsh.

I notice that when it comes to this issue, Rodney is not understanding; well, he tells me he understands, but he doesn’t.

This is the very reason why I’m always here.  I find comfort in knowing I am not alone in my struggle with food.

How far I’ve come in almost 5 yrs:

I don’t emotionally eat as much as I used to

I eat very healthy, clean but in moderation

I eat breakfast

I drink a ton of water

I don’t binge but every so often

I’m healthy!!!

But at the same time, eating, food consumes my life and I’m trying to deal.  If he can’t listen to me talk about food twice in one week, then I won’t talk to him ever again.  It’s pointless.  I really wanted his help, because should there be a day I flip out and go anorexic or turn to bulimia again, I will need to lean on him and my family to pull me through.  Because if your closest loved ones can’t help, who will?  But I learned the lesson, keep talking to those who understands, compassionate and willing to help me along on this journey.

OH DON’T EVEN GET INTO THE EXERCISE ISSUE.  THAT’S ANOTHER BLOG ALTOGETHER ABOUT THAT CONVERSATION.

THIS IS MY VENT, A REMINDER TO SELF, DON’T TALK TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS STRUGGLE.  IT ONLY TEARS YOU DOWN.

Just sitting here, suppose to be working on a huge project and all I think about is food. Drools and wipes drools of face. Baah hhaaaSince I can’t eat what I really want to eat, any chance I get I go for it. My trigger food that leads to food orgasm is long long long. Sometimes I feel like Homer Simpson. 1. Bacon Wrapped Hot Dog - I want more dang it! HEHE

Listening to my body 101.  So, here’s to day two of no date with GYM (JIM).  SIGH, my body says, Girl better relax and let me heal up.  The meds they gave me, the painkiller, the one they gave me to deal with the discomfort - ISN’T WORKING! :)  I took 3 so far and my side still aches.  So much that I can’t see myself going to the gym, which I didn’t.  Not only that I’m sleepy and dizzy.  I did sleep all night long though.  Bahhhhhh humbbbug - I know - it’s not the holidays, but that’s how I feel. Most likely, if I don’t feel better tomorrow I can’t go to any classes.

Rod doesn’t want me at the gym at all.  He wants me to relax and just let my body heal naturally.  :(  BOO HOO.  Ok, so pity party over.

You know how I told you about the site he’s on?  Well, he’s started gaining a new perspective for online living and social networking sites - especially one as intimate as this.

Pre Rodney and that site he used to always get on me about being online so much.  Guess who says he understands about making connections with people on a daily basis?  Yep - same man! :)  I’m glad though.  I told him, that’s why I’m here each day, I get to know friends, make new friends and continue to grow on this journey.  Now there’s no getting on my back and getting jealous like in the past.  We have our own niche sites and interests.  I told him, it’s not like many people in my life understands my food addiction, but my friends here do. 

During the day I eat a big 500 cal breakfast of protein, carbs, fruits and fiber.  Then a nice size lunch, a light snack like a cucumber yesterday.  This is what I don’t get though, even with a big breakfast, I still wanted to eat a ton of food in the evening; but I didn’t.  I ate ok, couldn’t stick to 1200 calories, more like a 1500 calorie night.  Sigh, see, I just can’t beat eating a lot in the evening.  No matter what I do.

I’m starting to feel like food is not controlling me. Even yrs in, I still have the struggles, which is harder now then it was almost 5 yrs ago.  GO FIGURE!

NIGHT #5 - I’m winning yah!!   Although my evening time snacking  can use some help, Rod has not seen me take small bitty snacks yet.  I’m trying.  As long as he doesn’t catch me I won’t fess up.  LOL!

Finished the rest of my cranberry juice and I was not anywhere near normal.  Here I am going to work and exercising as if I have no problem.  Tuesday morning it all came crashing down on me.  I couldn’t wait till the next day let alone Friday for my appt.  I went to an Urgent Care Center and got the antibiotics - as Holly so noted CIPRO and a painkiller for something else.  I don’t like doctors, don’t like being probed like an animal.  Let’s keep these fingers cross my pap smear comes back clean on Friday.  Last time I went to the doctor’s was the day I tore my groin muscles and that was over 2 1/2 yrs ago.

On the way out I was curious how much all the procedures costs - had I not been with Blue Cross it’s $350 versus the $40 copay.    I was used to having an HMO  $5 or $10 co-pay with my other companies.  So Yumika, girl, I feel you on the high price of healthcare.  I do appreciate what I have now.

Night #4 and I’m still winning big time!  I REFUSE TO GIVE IN TO RODNEY AND LET HIM WIN! :)  I have to say it’s gotten a bit easier not eating after 10pm if I eat right before 10pm.  This gives my body 8 hrs before it sees food again instead of say 11 to 12 hrs of my cutoff time is sooner.  I wouldn’t survive if my cut off is 7pm - I would probably naw on my own knuckles hehe. Who made that rule anywayz?  It’s better to find out on our own what works.

I visited an Pro Anorexic website by chance darn computer and it’s randomness.  Its astounding and astonishing, shocking quite frankly too scary to read some of the blogs on the site.  I used to be bulimic but wow, nothing like what I read from pro “Ana” people.  Some people creates an alternate personality out of anorexia.  Some treats it as a “friend” or “lover”.    Some goes on 35 days fasting, one girl - my heart just cried for her, would eat a yogurt, head to the gym and work out for 4 to 5 hours.  Then eats some cottage cheese, then feel so guilty she goes back for another hour.

QUOTED FROM SAID ANAPRO SITE:

“To attain this golden victory, I had spent five months working out daily, doing hours of cardio every day, sometimes not even taking my allotted one day per week of rest. For months at a time I went vegetarian without even meaning to - I just didn’t get any meat in my diet. I absolutely starved myself of calories… on the “best” days I took in less than 500 calories, sometimes as low as 250 calories. I got very good at structuring my eating so that I was “munching” on something all day (such as an apple cut up into 8 pieces, eating one piece every hour) to convince myself I could not possibly be hungry. If I thought I was becoming hungry, I would punch myself in the stomach or force myself to do crunches until the wretched craving for food went away. “

“FINALLY! I behaved for one day. I actually burned 700 extra calories at the gym today; that is, 700 more calories than I consumed all of today.

Ok, so I cheated a bit. I think these super-heavy workouts are the downfall that’s leading to these crazy binges. The extreme deficit of calories is no match for my willpower, and when all the carbs are gone yet I still force myself to keep going on the treadmill, my body tries to shut down, all my muscles go weak, and my stomach is relentless. Unfortunately, this has led to some big binges in the past five or six days, nearly 1000 calories some days.

So today I made PLANS to cheat, just a little. Not so much that I can’t burn off at least twice that at the gym, but just enough to be able to look forward to, so my body is fooled into thinking I’m not depriving it. I’ve been doing some research on “snacks under 100 calories” and “the best post-workout snacks.” Luckily, something came up in common that’s already in my kitchen, no extra spending required.”

Now, I’m posting this because it’s a reminder of how extreme some of these food addictions can be.  For me I always overeat but in some ways, I can relate to her struggle except mine is the opposite.  Like her I do think about food a lot! What I’m doing with the challenge between Rodney and me, it’s slowly helping me free myself from the grips of food addiction starting with the hardest to kick.  One day at a time right?

I know these disorders are diseases and  many women do die from them.  Other than that I’m at a loss for words. 

I’m just glad I left bulimia behind and used it for 1 1/2 yrs to deal with the downfall of my marriage.

I hope the drugs don’t make me too dizzy for my kickboxing and Pilates class.  I’ll find out when 6pm rolls around if I can do it.  If not, there’s always tomorrow.

Dedicating this to Holly.  You made me realize after I read your comment that I’m always putting myself last.  There I go again.  I calculate, budget and what’s the last thing on my list?  Me.  I truly did not want to spend $1 on my healthcare.  But you are right.  I need to spend that money - I’m Worthy of $40 and more to take care of myself.  How can I sit here day in and out, tell you guys to love yourself and put yourself first, and I don’t do it?

Nick, my girl helped me realize what physical ailment I was fighting and gave me a temporary solution.  Cranberry juice and water.  I chugging it a ton of it. :)  So much that I runs to the bathroom all day long.  Yes, I want to heal myself without seeing a doctor or pills, but at some point I need their assistance.  Doesn’t mean I’m weak; just making wise choices.

This makes me think again about what most of us do each and every day.  We are mothers, girlfriends, friends, lovers, sisters, wives,brothers, husbands, associates and so forth.  As women, can’t speak for the men, as women we tend to take care of everybody around us but ourselves.  I think, no, I know this is one of many reasons why so many of us fail on this journey.  Now, from being on here each day, I know most of us fight the same battle: money issues but we are dam* good at budgeting if I say so myself!

But let’s budget so we are always taken care of.  Make sure you put aside some “name” money for good food, some fun clothes for exercise, some spending money for a new exercise toy and some night outs with good friends eating high quality food.  We are so worthy of it!!!!! I’m guilty of not doing for myself.

The other day, I took the last of $20 of $80 I had and bought myself a nice pair of bottoms for the gym.  At first I felt guilty; then I put it on and I felt renewed, refreshed and motivated to go to class.  I get all excited again.

Whether it’s $5 or $100, each month, treat yourself.  Holly - you are right.  WE ARE ALL WORTHY OF MORE!

PRECIOUS JEWELS WE ARE!! WE CAN LOSE THE WEIGHT AND LOOK GOOD!  ;)  HOLLA AT YOUR GIRL!  LOVE YOU!

Tomorrow, I plan on doing some weights - as much as I can do with the pain I have to deal with.  It’s ok, I modify my routine and keeping it light.

I’ve been having a lot of womanly pain and side pain.   I think it’s all related.  My problem is my PPO plan has a $40 co-pay and a $500 deductible.  OH WELL!!! I just have to pay it on Friday so I can see a doctor.  Rod is taking really good care of me.  Yesterday with the whole food poisoning thing, he was there to help me throw up and just held me when I was crying in pain.  Not even sure if it’s food poisoning anymore.  I wish my company had a better insurance plan but what can I do but work with what I have AND BE GRATEFUL I have insurance.

First Day of Rod’s $100 if you fu** up challenge

I didn’t eat Saturday or Sunday night.  YAY YAY!!!  First time in a long time two nights in a row.

I managed to outsmart Rodney and also modify my eating from 3 full meals, 3 snacks and grazing to:

3 full, 300 to 500 breakfast, lunch and dinner with a snack of banana and milk; and a final snack dried salted mud fish, an Asian specialty with some rice.

I’ve managed to get the right portion of protein, carbs, fiber (well can work on fiber) and veggies in.  I just didn’t eat enough fruit for my taste today.

Today will be a lot easier at work.  I just can’t graze anymore.  I’ll eat multiple fruits with my breakfast and not eat lunch until 1 pm.  Then a full pack lunch and my snack will be my energy bar for kickboxing and yoga.

My evaluation, I can’t do 3 meals and no snacks - that’s too harsh for me.  I would be the angriest woman in that office.  Gotta have my snacks.

So it’s a fun JIM date with Nygel for kickboxing and Power yoga.

Saturday night I battled a mild case of salmonella poisoning.  I was in so much pain.  Most of if not all of it is gone now.  I wanted to be here reading blogs and post in the forums but couldn’t.

You know why I can’t talk to anyone other then you guys about my food addiction?  They don’t get it.   Last night Rod and I sat out under the stars lounging and talking.  I decided to tell him about all my food problems.  Starting with where I came from to now.  I forget that men don’t like to just listen to us yap.  They want to “FIX” everything.  I told him about my Achilles heel which is night time eating and grazing.

Well, he laughed when I told him how eating, the act of eating from start to finish makes me happy.  He laughed at not what I said but how happy I was just talking about food.

The kicker - and I wonder why I open my fat mouth - He wants to know what my goal is.  I told him 10 more lbs and I’m happy.

Well, I thought venting to him would be like venting to you guys!!  This freakin’ skinny boyfriend of mine doesn’t understand why it’s so hard to not eat.  He said, just don’t eat.  I wish it was that easy.  I wish I can say I don’t WANT TO EAT and stick with it.  My eating, food issues goes beyond a WANT, a DESIRE, it’s a drive to fulfill that need to satisfy that whole process of get food, admire food, eat food and be happy.

He gave me a dose of reality.  Told me he’s tired of watching me not reach my goals and he’s going to do something about it.

$100 BILL CHALLENGE!!!!!

WHY WHY WHY!!!!!!

The agreement:

3 full meals - 2 snacks of only 1 fruit or 1 vegetable, not multiple fruits or vegetables

10PM cutoff eating time…..no munching, no bittty bites, no sneaking into the kitchen to eat.

Oh, and I can’t hide my snacks at work!! He and my boss Gerry are best buddies!  He’s going to call my boss and tell him to be his eyes and ears.

DURATION: AS LONG AS IT TAKES TO LOSE THE LAST 10 LBS

CONSEQUENCE: $100 FOR EVERY BITE, BIT, PIECE I EAT AFTER 10 PM

I was mad at him.  I’m comfortable with what I do every day and do I want to change it???? NO!!!  ROFL!!!  You know I know that even I need a kick in the pants!

He said to me, you’ve done well so far but you have stalled and I’m tired of watching you eat all day.  I was not happy sitting there listening to him.  I feel like it’s  a FOOD ADDICTION INTERVENTION and I want out! LOL

We shook on it, hi-five actually.  Now up stuck with this deal.

OH, he tried to take my gym time to 2 times a week.  ONLY A FOOL WOULD TRY THAT!  I told him hell to the noooooooooooo!  My gym time is my time and no one is taking that away.

WISH ME LUCK GUYS!  I don’t want to give up any money!!!!

Hahaha!  I just went food shopping today.  You know, I got the best customer service from the men today.  Do you think it has anything to do withy my bootaay shorts?  LOL

As I was coming out of the store I notice my shadow - HOLY CRUD - MY SHADOW JIGGLED WITH MY COTTAGE CHEESE THIGHS!  I thought it was hilarious.

Rod and I finally had a talk about the other night.  He was soooo angry with me because he said it took something like that for me to realize how unsafe it is to be out there in the streets.  Even for a simple walk.  His biggest fear always was my ex-huband seeing me and confronting me.  Even worse was a stranger trying to do who knows what was going thru his head.   He said, when he heard what happened, he was ready to jump in the car to go get me but when I told him everything was ok, he just got really mad.  Mad at himself, mad at me - thus the fuel for our fight.

We are good now.  Hey, nothing better then make-up sex right? hehe

Yesterday’s kickboxing and hip hop class was the shi*!!!!  It took 5 class, about 5 hrs for me to start pulling out of shyness shell and really enjoying hip hop.  I am starting to fall in love with it the way I do with my kickboxing, yoga, pilates and bootcamp stuff that I do.

Today I was suppose to get back to my weight conditioning program but I decided to post poned it for another fun kickboxing class.  I went to a gym I haven’t been to for like 2 yrs.  The instructor was a good one.  I had a ton of fun.  She loved me and told me I should become an instructor.  My answer - I like being a participant.

Well, Blaithin, no more running or walking outside for me.  Those days are over.  I can only do it if someone is with me.  We just feel that living in this city it’s too dangerous to be out in the streets.  It’s not safe anymore.  Everything I do is at the gym or the beach if Rod goes with me.

Tomorrow I have a Step and Yoga class to attend.  I can’t wait.

Well, better catch up with you fine buddies today!

What do I want to follow a long hard day at work?  Bulshi*!

When I got home at 5pm, I told Rodney that I need him to save me a spot in the front of our building for the car.  I told him I’ll be leaving at 6.  I proceeded to play on the computer a bit then took a small nap.  Around 5:30 or so he took off and didn’t say one word to me.

I got up, dressed and took off at 6pm.  When I left I called him - to ask him to please save me a spot.  No response.

I had a great kickboxing with my friend Angela who was subbing for someone else.  Class ended and I went home around 7:30pm.

When I rounded the corner to my complex, to my disappointment, no spot for me.  I wondered what happened?  I had a sick feeling in my stomach  like something didn’t feel right.

I found a spot about 1/2 a mile from my apt. Parked and got out.  As soon as I got out from the corner of my eyes I see a black SUV zip into the parking lot adjacent to where I parked.  As I started to walk, I heard someone call to me.  I thought he was a lost driver who may need direction so I turned and answered.

He asked me if I was “Lisa” and of course I said no.  Then he started moving the car forward towards me - he says “You’re beautiful”  and I just ignored him and proceeded to call Rodney.  As I was on the phone with him the guy made a u-turn and back into he parking and followed me as I walked on the sidewalk towards home.  I was nervous and I told Rodney everything that was happening.  I stopped and looked - he stopped in the parking lot watching me.  So I quickened my step and came home.

When I got home I tried to find out from Rodney what happened?  How come he didn’t save me a spot?  He said - you didn’t go looking for me.  I said, but how did I know where he went?  He never told me one word where he went.

His argument is that - he was in the back cleaning out the Lexus.  I was Toooooo lazy to take my lazy butt back there to look for him.  I said - this is not the first time you up and leave without telling me.  HOW AM I suppose to KNOW to look for him?  I never did that before why would I do it today?

I told him, you know I could have been taken by this middle aged man who was twice my size and you wouldn’t know it.

I don’t know if he didn’t hear that part or what the problem was.

To him, his point is - I never communicated or went “looking” for him to save me a spot.

I said, this is not the first time we’ve talked about this.  I said - I did tell you I was leaving at 6pm, you weren’t here.

Of course we started arguing.  I was upset because I know full well I told him up front that I was leaving, when I was leaving and to save me a spot.

His point of view is, I didn’t go looking for him to tell him I was leaving.

I said to him, so, once you saw the car is gone, why did you not proceed to save me a spot?  He said, I “didn’t tell him”.

When I was in the shower, I thought about all the what if…what if that guy continued to follow me, grab me and took off?  What if I didn’t react fast enough?  What if I wasn’t smart enough to get on the phone with Rod?

When I got out of the shower, I explained all of this to him.  I apologize for my anger.  But I told him, most of it stemmed from me realizing that I could have been kidnapped.

You know, he acted indifferent!  He said, oh well, it’s your problem.  I don’t care.

Now, I’m very upset as I write this.  I just want it off my chest.  I have never in my life felt threatened by a stranger. Ever.

And I knew - my instinct told me something wasn’t right about this evening.

It hurts me that he is acting so cold towards me.  It hurts that he continues to act like he don’t care.

Of course it hurts even more that I did try to communicate and this is how it turns out.

Honestly, I don’t want to see him right now.  I was soooo angry I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs!

Rodney usually turns into a cold hearted a$$ when we argue.  Today, I refuse to back down.  If I did not ask him at some point to save me a spot I would not be so upset - but I did, and he knows full well.

The second part to this is that my safety was in jeopardy, and the outcome could have been worse.  Yet, why is he acting like he don’t care?  Is he doing that because we were arguing?

Right now, I actually don’t care.  I just want to tell him fuc* you!  Take your shi* and leave!!!!

I’m tired of everything!!

Really nervous today.  Yesterday I prepped my mom for her biospy procedure.  They found some abnormal growth they need to take care of right away.  That’s why the surgery was scheduled ASAP. 

My thing is my brother felt that I need to be there for her today.  HELLLO - I WORK!!!  Not my fault him and his girlfriend did not listen to the doctor and assumed a different procedure was scheduled for yesterday.  It was  a complete waste of my time.  I’d rather be at the hospital with her right now to translate but it’s HIS fault for not paying attention to the doctor and what procedure was in line.  He - the man with no job, wants  ME to take another day off to do this today.

I told Rodney and he’s right - he said, my mom makes too many excuses for him.  Stop the BS!  I need to work and he has nothing better to do then to either gamble, play poker, play video games and sleep.  Ummmm, I work!!

I swear, my family is so backwards sometimes.  Like I told him - his fault for having me take a day off for something he can take care of himself.

Oh, let me explain - my mom does not speak English, doesn’t drive and is in  a wheelchair.  She needs helpe in every aspect.  I am usually the one taking care of her - but not when I have a perfectly healthy brother to help out since he is not working.   

Anyhow, I’m staying optimistic and looking to a great outcome.  I’m just going to take it one day at  a time.  We are not always on good terms but she is my mother after all.  Hell, I look just like her!!

An instructor friend of mine is subbing a kickboxing class tonight.  She asked  me to come.  I guess I will go to it and swim a bit before bed.  I need to get a weight session in too but I’m really sore from Pilates on Tuesday.  LOL  -  loving the sore! :) 

Food wise - finally a good night of no snacking after 10!  I take all victories big and small.