Khmerbeauty 1 Life 1 Destiny

That food addiction!!! The one I fight every day! It’s relentless I tell
yah! Last night after I wrote my blog, my Rodney did a wonderful job of
buying Del Taco and bringing it home and into the bedroom.

Of course what do I do? I ate some of chili cheese fries. Just a few
bites. Then I asked, honey, can I have a bite of your burger? He said no!
He said I know this is your weakness and I’m trying to help you. He said,
“aren’t you suppose to be the one setting a good example for your peers?”
Of course I go into Wildfire mode, threw a few huffs and puffs, goes into
the kitchen and eat some broiled chicken and rice.

You know what I try to use as justification for eating at now 3am in the
morning? That I pushed my mom for a couple hours and hungry from the
casino. But did I forget to mention I also ate some not so good and salty
peanuts to and from the casino?

Forget about the 3 hours of exercise I did yesterday or the other 2 or 3
today. I don’t use my calories burned against my food intake.

My problem spelled out: I H A V E AN ADDICTION TO FOOD!!!!

I find that lately it’s gotten worse especially with night time eating.
Probably the last 3 months.

DID I think it would get easier as these years passed? YES!! But no - it
has not gotten easier.

Yes, I eat a lot of healthy food - but that doesn’t wash the fact that I’m
constantly thinking about food. It’s seriously sick!

My exercise has nothing to do with my food issues.

My problem now and I will win - is the fact that I always want to eat.

So at 10am I already ate some cottage cheese and granola, 3 sv of cucumbers,
1 extra large mango in waiting and this is all before lunch!!!!

The thing is, let’s be real I eat about 2000 calories a day - a ton of
fruits, veggies, complex carbs, good fats, good amt of sodium, and hi
quality protein…..but in the back of my head, I hunger for the bad stuff.
The second, I swear the second it’s available - I go for it like a drug
addict. Honestly, I don’t even think, I just put food in mouth and sigh
from satisfaction.

Well, I’m not complaining. I have 5 months before I come up on my 5 year
anniversary of weight loss 78 lbs. I’m giving myself 5 months - 5 months to
see what I an do because heck, if anyone tells me it’s easier 5 years from
now I might bow to them as the food God!

I will never give up but some days it seems like I can’t win against my own
food desires. BUT I always and will always try to right any wrongs; even if it’s the next day. LOL!!

See, have to have a sense of humor to deal with this!

Do broke people go to casinos?  Well, Monday night that would be me.  My brother was going with his girl and my mom - I tagged along.  This was after 3 hours of fun at the gym.  I got there and my mom forked over some money and  I lost it.

Then I check my brother who’s I don’t know why but playing in the Hi Roller section.  I saw a large stack and I took just $25.  I took that and made some dough. :)  Gave my mom $40 lost a bit and brought home the rest.  Nothing big, but enough for me to go to Costco to buy some strawberries, blueberries, cucumber, cottage cheese and to Mother’s for organic neccessities.

My brother, what can I say, came out ok tonight but that’s the life of a gambler  You win some and lose some.

On the way home we wanted to get Jack in the Crack.  I was thinking, how am I going to work the calories in?  Luckily we get there and there’s an Exterminator van outside.

Yep, saved 500 calories by not eating there.  Came home and gave my honey some money so he can eat.  Yep, poor guy is sooo skinny!! Weighs about 165 lbs if that right now!

It’s 2am and I’m tired.  I think I’ll eat a snack because I pushed my mom in that wheelchair all evening.  It’s a great thing these casinos are 1 to 2 hours away; I would be broke every day if they were any closer.

Tonight I have a 5K run planned - but Blaithin it’s at the gym.  I’m tying that in with an hr of weights and finish off with yoga.   I hope to get under 28 minutes this time for the run.  Wish me luck coach!   Oh, also have 300 push-ups regular planned!  I know I can get back into the higher count!

I can’t believe it!! I’m so ecstatic. My baby truly has a job. The only thing is I really want him in school full time, but the whole issue with his green card or lack of it as it’s in process, he can’t get Financial Aide to continue on with art school - until his mom comes back from Kenya.
Well, my baby aced both interviews and got a job doing Customer Service/Marketing support for the Orange County Register - and with a background - that’s some good stuff!! See, it helps to be honest and truthful.

A TAN DARKER THEN RODNEY’S!!! lol

This weekend I spent as much time away from Buddyslim as I can.  I find I spend way too much time here.  There’s good and bad to that.  Honestly, I need to take time out for my family and friends and I did just that.

I exercised  a lot before Buddyslim and should there be a day without Buddyslim I will continue to do just exactly that.  I had to prove that to myself this weekend.  Yep, I am me without this place.  I’m not addicted to it like I used to.  On top of that, the vibe here has changed.  It’s not as friendly as it used to be.  I don’t know what happened here.  But sad to say, I’m not going to keep supporting people who don’t support me.  It’s a two way street.  I thank my friends who have stuck by me from day one and new ones too.  But I WILL NOT spend time on people who doesn’t take the time to be there for others.  You rub my back I rub your back.  Just my thoughts.  Just my thoughts.

Yesterday I went for a 10K run outside in the early morning.  Not timed or anything.  I just got it done.  It was nice.

Then I spent the afternoon swimming with my 2 and 5 yr old nephews.  In the evening I went for a nighttime swim with my brothers and sister - a ton on fun.    All in all a totalof 4 hours of activity.

Then today I spent the afternoon swimming for 2 hrs with the nephews and my niece. MY Lord, I’m almost the same shade as my honey.  Yep I am so tanned it will stick on me for the next 6 or 7 months.  *SIGH* Most people want a tan but not me.  Back to night time swimming only.

Monday exercise is bittersweet.  It’s the last Step class with Nygel before they cancel it on us. I frankly, am soooooooooooooooooooooo broke that I don’t have money to buy the fruits and veggies I need to sustain 3 hours of exercise.  But I’m going to devise a plan to get the money that I need.  Pay day isn’t until Wedneday. :(  My poor Rod lost 10 lbs from not eating so much but you know we didn’t spend our money wisely this time.

I will make the best of tomorrow with all three classes.  I’m enjoying kickboxing again and can’t wait to do it with Nygel.  Then finish off with Yoga.

Fountain of youth is not a fountain or a pill………..its loving yourself, eating good nutritious food AND EXERCISE!  It’s about taking care of yourself everyday.  I’ve gotten carded more times now then I ever did in my 20’s when I was fat.  No pills for me - just give me some self love!

What’s a better to end a Friday then taking two great classes?  It was soooooooooo muuucccchhhh fun!!!!  KICKBOXING AND HIP HOP IS ON!!!!!!

HIP HOP takes II was much better then day 1!  I’m not as scared to be myself as I was last week.

Yesterday I used the BOSU and did this side to side low stance move on the black side.  Oh my I was feeling it in my sides like crazy today.

Anyhow, it’s on here.  I did two 5K’s this week.  My other cardio goal was to get back to a 10K.  I will do it tomorrow.  No excuses.  The new running shoes are broken in.  I’m going to go to bed early and get an early dawn run in.  This will be the first 10K in about 2 weeks for me.

I’m not sure what happened the last two weeks; my interest in kickboxing came back and been pushing my run to the side.  Well, I can’t do that if I have two 5K’s to do and with Blaithin in my head telling me I can do a 1/2 marathon, I’m a bit scurred.

I hope tomorrow early morning my report is the 10K all run is in.  NO, I know that will be the report.

Then in the afternoon I plan to do Nancy’s custom bootcamp!! WHOO HOO!!!  Feels good to be on track again and again.

But I do know where I’ve fallen off the wagon with in the past 3 weeks - my yoga classes!  I went from doing 7 days a week to maybe 2 days a week. :(  I just keep running out of time but no more.

My mom, found out an operation is in the making to remove her feminine parts.  She’s scared but I told her to go for it.  It will save her life.   I feel bad;actually I’m having a hard time dealing with it all.  I don’t want to think about losing her on the heels on losing such great people.  But I will have faith it will all work out. 

OH JUST WANT TO SHARE - THAT’S MY MOM!! And my sis.  She’s very sick but I don’t want to think about it.  Cancer.   She’s wheelchair bound…..ok, no more talk.

The last two weeks I’ve backed off my upper body work outs because my right shoulder was a bit bothersome.  As I’m very much a worrywort I chose to let it rest.  I’ve been back to full strength training but not all my push-ups.  My baby, those regular push-ups are so important to me.  Even with the little time off I can tell I lost some muscle mass.  I want to rebuild back up but not rushing the process.

Thursday I got in 250 regular push-ups - not my best and on the low end but got them in nonetheless.  Then I did an hour of pure weights.  To finish off my evening I did a 5K at 30 minutes even.  Not my best time but hey, it’s done.

Blaithin,  I won’t promise I can get up for an outside  Friday but I will goal it. :)  BTW, the new New Balance shoes are perfect!  They doing their job.

I DO have my two classes Kickboxing and HIP HOP!  HIP HOP Take II!

Foodwise, I need to take night time eating in control again.  I just don’t know when I will ever win that battle.  That is my last and final obstacle to conquer yet I seem to have issues overall.

I know a lot of people wonder if the food addiction issue ever goes away with or without weightloss.  I find for me, almost 5 years in, I still have food addiction problems.  The difference is I’m always fighting.  Never stop the fight.  One day soon I will win.

  Michael is/was one of the greatest artists of all times.  He’s an amazing person.  So sad to see the last years of his life go down as it did.  50 years old WOW!  Per TMZ he passed away from cardiac arrest this afternoon.  But I better keep my mouth shut till they confirm it. Anyhow, that man was self destructive; even so his music is legendary. I grew up on it.

May Farrah rest in peace.  She was such a fighter.  I talked to my boss about her anal cancer. He said oregano would of helped and Stay away from the doctor.  Not sure if I believe it but you know, my boss is rarely wrong.

Well, just hearing this news puts me to shame for acting petty and getting upset over stupid work related issues.

I’m going to give my loved ones a call and tell them I love them. 

Life is too short to get upset over small issues.

I need to get to the gym and work out these pent up feelings; I don’t deal well with anger. 

So glad I can get a weight session in; no interval training just pure weights and a 5K run to follow.   

Some of his songs:

“Thriller”

“Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’”

“Beat It”

“Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough”

“Billie Jean”

“The Way You Make Me Feel”

“Smooth Criminal”

“Bad”

“P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)”

“Black or White”

“Man in the Mirror”

“Rock With You”

“Remember the Time”

Exists each and every day.  It was June last year that a buddy wrote a blog about what  would you do once you get to your goal weight.  I wrote “To look in the mirror and love myself”.  It’s been one year since I wrote that statement to Chrisie.  Chrisie via email made me realize it doesn’t have to be like that.  From that moment on I started to look in the mirror and love who I am.  There are days I still don’t like who I see, both the inner and outer, but they are far and in between.   

What helps most is having Rodney as a partner.  All my insecurities, let’s be real, we all have them regardless of status, class, looks…..it exists, can only be an insecurity if we allow it.  I don’t like many things about myself but with his patience, I am still learning to overcome them.

Do I have high self esteem?  NO!  I am a work in progress.  Each day it gets easier.  The negative self talk is almost gone.  Hence, the reason why I now stand up for myself, my beliefs, my opinions and point of views.  I used to be a people pleaser and say things to please others.  Not anymore.  I will always have my own opinion and respect those of others.  But at the same time, I’m very bendable.  I love change and welcome it.  I hunger for knowledge and growth.  I am forever evolving.  

This morning the lines for Transformer II was rediculous.  They ended up opening 5 auditorium instead of 1.  It was worth it.  For us, our first date was the first Transformer movie.  We were excited to have our own little annivesary of sorts.  Now I’m running on less then 4 hours of sleep.  Movie is really good.  We will see it again next week in IMAX.  YAWN!

Blaithin, I decided not to run today.  I don’t feel the energy today.  BUT I will go to Kickboxing and Pilates.  I thought I would not have time to do it but the evening is open for 2 hours of fun.

Shellibean hon, my Cambodian name, is *Sreymoum*  meaning beautiful, honey….etc.  It’s a name designated for the eldest daughter.  Well, there’s many variation of it.  Because when my mom is mad at me she changes it to a mean version. :)    

Shaina, do get the BOSU.  It sells for about $70 to $80 online I think.

Well well well THE PILATES CLASS KICKED MY BUTT!  It’s a different instructor, different moves and man did she work me!!!! Suffice to say I did no eat enough today although I ate mainly high protein, complex carbs in the form of veggies and fruits.  I’m happy with just the one class.

I’m going to go to sleep or attempt to sleep right now.  Rod and I checked Fandango and Transformer II is playing at 12am at most of the theaters here.  The plan was to go Wednesday evening BUT he’s so excited to see this.  The sacrifices that we make for love.  I just hope I can fall asleep.  That means I have to get up watch this movie then go to bed and at work by 8am.

The great thing is, teeeeeheeeeeeee Blaithin, I will NOT take an exercise day off and try to get a run in.  The Pilates class is mainly for core so I feel I can do cardio tomorrow and weights Thursday.  I really am missing my running girl!   I want it bad!

Something has been bothering me.  I never blame anyone, anything for my lack of weightloss.  It’s not the clothes fault, or the scale’s fault or my familie’s fault………..it’s my fault that I’m not making good decisions.  I’m the one who does or does not eat the right food.  I’m the one who does not exercise.  I’m the one who decides that sitting and watching tv is better then taking a walk.  Its’s all on me.  Outside factors are excuses.  Stop with the excuses and take control of your own journey.

And if someone has a problem with what I have to say, it’s not a reflection of me, these are my thoughts and my blog and my journal.  MJ wrote a wonderful blog about negativity.  I just get so sick and tired of the whining.  Whine whine whine.  I used to whine all the time.  Oh pooor is me.  Feel sorry for me.  No - I don’t feel sorry for you!  Do something about it.  Do it for yourself.  If you put the effort in, I’m there to cheer you on.  If all you do is whine, I have no time for it.  Changes are hard.  It’s not easy.  In fact it takes a lot of effort to change!  And if I get negative comments - I’m deleting.  I have no time for it!

To me, if you don’t like fruit, eat it!!! It’s good for you!  Find something you can tolerate!  If you don’t like veggies - try it!!! You will  find something you can eat!!!

If you can’t do vigorous exercise - walk it!!!!   You are not in competition with anyone.  You have to do it for you!!!! NO ONE ELSE!! DON’T COMPARE YOUR JOURNEY TO ANYONE!  THIS IS AN INDIVIDUAL JOURNEY.  TAKE THE REIGN AND BE IN CONTROL!!!

What I respect and always respect, are those who tries!!!  Give it a try.  We all have good days and bad days.  It’s part of the journey.  At some point the BS has got to stop and be real.  Then you will continue to grow and progress towards a healthier you.

ACTIONS ALWAYS SPEAKS LOUDER THEN WORDS!

BTW, WILDFIRE IS RAGING! lol

Oh my Lord, Blaithin, did I not just miss my outside run this morning, I overslept and completely late for work! 

Rod and I watched the “BIG Announcement” for John and Kate Plus 8.  It’s such a sad story to watch.  No fairytale ending but a divorce.  I remember watching it from the beginning when it was just a documentary versus a show.  I followed the show for the most part until recently because I’m so busy.  I enjoyed the show before the hype and media blitz about supposed affairs, facelifts, body lifts, etc. 

From Rod’s eyes, John left the marriage because he got fed up with Kate’s controlling ways.

I told him to not be so  judgmental because we don’t know the whole story.  Kate is a strong woman.  She has to be to take care of so many kids.  However, I can see the stardom got to her as well.  But why is it when a woman is strong she has to be a called a bi***?  It’s sad that she’s looked upon as the  bad guy.  John is no angel himself.  Why their marriage broke up?  Money and a host of other reason!  Money is good and evil.  Here’s a couple who saw an opportunity to make money and provide a better life for not a couple but 8 kids!!  Maybe greed got the best of them, I don’t know.  What I do know is those kids will suffer the consequences of this break-up.  I wish them all the best.

I wonder if it’s worth it?  I asked Rod, would it be worth it for us?  The money?  He said no!!! NO $$$$$ in the world could replace a broken family like that. 

See, Rod and I - we broke at the moment.  He doesn’t eat my food because it’s either healthy or Cambodian food which is hard on his nose.  So he’s eating cup of noodles and the beginning of peanut butter sandwiches.  Can’t make him eat what he doesn’t want to.

But I can tell you this much, beside WILDFIRE LOL, We are pretty happy.  We have close to nothing but we smile and hug and just funny together.  I can’t ask for more then that.

Well, I said something on someone’s blog that was off the wall.  I blame it on WILDFIRE.  This person, instead of blasting me on that blog, did something so almost unbuddyslim-like!  He wrote me a personal email.  That was sweet and that is a true gentlemen.  Again an act like this makes me think twice about leaving buddyslim.  Because you know for me being here sometimes I have to deal with negativity that is thrown at me and I’ve gotten fed up a few times and was ready to bounce.  Thanks buddy!!

Anyhow, no run due to sleep. :)  I have a Pilates and a SET class which is a combination of Steps and weights to do tonight.  2 hours of fun fun fun!!!!!!!