Khmerbeauty 1 Life 1 Destiny

Yep there I said it!  For a while now I felt in so much control.  Like I can do this.  I don’t need a helping hand.

Today I had a major meltdown and I can’t even tell you what it’s really about.  Rod and I got into it but what was it really about?

Ok, so the car is on a ramp for tires somewhere in L.A. at 4:05 pm and he calls me to tell me so knowing that at 4:30 my class starts.  We talked about 40 minutes before and nope, no signs of any hazards. I am so happy because YIPEEEEE I get to go to all 3 classes with no hiccup right?  No, oh so far from the truth!  Nope at 4:20 we’re arguing on the phone and I’m typing like a mad woman to the tribe at how pissed I am.

What do I do?  Put on my workout clothes I had handy, with my IPOD shuffle secured on my top and my cell in one hand I start running from work to home. Screw the sun and no sunblock, I still ran.

Well, Rod found me 2.5 miles into the run and half way home.  At this point I was mad, Step class going on and I’m not there.  He takes the time to explain his day and why things fell a part last minute.

I listened but not really listening because I was brewing some mad anger inside my chest.  So he drives me to a different gym to get at least weights and yoga in.  We get to the parking lot and all out war.

I call Kama hysterical because he brings me home and just leaves the keys for me and I sat there wondering why I was so mad.

I telling Kama I was having a complete meltdown and but did not want to resort to hurting myself, inflicting pain to feel better…I wanted to keep all the advances I’ve made and not regress to who I was.

I just feel lost, no control over my home, my life, my anything.  All I have is my routine, my workout and at this moment I didn’t and couldn’t have that.

Kama talked some sense into me.  I may get some professional help soon.  Will check with my health insurance carrier for coverage.

I never got pro. help for my dad’s death,my divorce, my mom’s cancer and so many other problems.

I used to not handle any of this well.  But with Rod I’ve gotten better until the last few months.  I see myself reverting to my old ways and I don’t want to do it.

NO MORE BULIMIA,NO MORE SELF INFLICTING PAIN,  NO MORE CUTTING!! I haven’t done it it over 3 years and I won’t do it again.

Came in and Rod and I argued some more.  But we have worked through some of our issues.  I told him I have to learn how to deal with my emotions.  I am having trouble controlling my anger.  Maybe maybe I should look into anger management classes.

The conclusion today: I missed all my classes but got in 2.5 miles of running and a suntan on my back.

What to do next:  Adjust and make tomorrow the bomb!  Life goes on.

Today another lesson learn.  As long as I learn a lesson and care enough  to move on I can’t go backwards.  NO WAY NO HOW!!

The fun part: Tomorrow I can do a weights session, get some cardio in - don’t know what it is yet and get an easy yoga class in!

We just agreed right now we are going to Anger Management classes together.  Together we will become healthier.  That’s a good thing.

My food angel finally fell last night.  So goes the COACH bag I wanted.  100 days?  Didn’t make it past Day 16.  Yep my brother comes home at midnight and made the most delicious rare steak salad with Asian hot sauce dip.  I ate that with liver of course.  SIGH.  Not to be outdone, I get up at 3 am and mindlessly ate the carrot cake, a small piece but I did it anywayz!

Earlier in the evening Rod was curious about my ex.  He said to me you know he still has a myspace account?  Took me off guard.  I’m like I don’t know because I don’t check it.  Why would I?  So he proceeds to look at his profile.  Which I then had to muster up the stomach to explain who’s who. My ex-niece in law,the ex sister in law and ex mom in law…

 Then of course, there was picture of the girl he cheated on me with, proceed to be with AND  A PICTURE OF THE DAUGHTER THEY HAVE NOW!  I told Rod I don’t want to see any of it because it brings back a lot of pain.  Everything that has led me to who I am today.  He said he just wants to see what my ex husband is all about.  Well, it didn’t sit too well with me. I didn’t want to let Rod know how effected I was by it.

 I want to leave the past in the past.  Nothing comes good out of this.  I don’t want to be reminded of what I perceive as a failure at being a wife back then.  I don’t want to be reminded of WHO I WAS.  I was 220 lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That’s the old me.

I’ve moved on and have a good life now.  But for a few hours I was sad; has nothing to do with Rod.  Just thinking about my ex and even, when his girlfriend was pregnant with that baby he was calling me trying to reconcile our marriage and NOT divorce.

I made some good decisions on finalizing it.  I do appreciate my Rod more and look at him with renewed love and admiration this morning.  I love the man I have now.

SO, the result of looking at the ex’s profile = No COACH PURSE and emotional nite time eating.

Today I am back on track.  Will certainly not let one night get to me.  Already at the top of my game with food.  Can’t wait to get to the gym for my 3 hour playdate with Step, Kickboxing and Yoga.

What happens when you’ve been sleep deprived for over two weeks?  Yep overslept!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so mad!  My yoga class starts at 10.  I should have been there at 9 to do some cardio then class.  It’s 10:10 now.   I got up and at at 7am and everything.

I told Rod I still need to get my cardio in.  Will be going to the gym soon.

I hope the day warms up.  Yah know what?  May be I sould just go swimming?  Please sun come out. 

 HAVE TO GIVE A SHOUT OUT TO THE CATS!!!!!  WE PLEDGE TO ALL GET SOME SORT OF WALKING IN TILL OUR ANJ GETS BACK.  SINCE THE CHALLENGE OUR KITTIES ARE ON IT!!!!!!!!!!!!  We are running, walking, jogging - see that’s what I’m talking about!  TEAMWORK BABY! 

I made a delicious egg omelet for breakfast this morning with onion, fried rice and baked chicken.  And I had a banana which really sealed the deal for my walk this morning.  The food was so good.  It kept me full till about 2pm.  Well, I slept a lot all day.  Nothing beats “alone” time with my honey.  Meaning no kids roaming around interrupting our special time. 

I will probably try it again tomorrow morning.  Egg omelets - it does a body good.  I went to my favorite Korean store and got juicy local strawberries, apples, mushrooms and sweet potatoe all for less then $10.  I will certainly eat good tonight.  OH, and I have a ton of steamed dumpling too.   After I steam it I PAM fry it - PERFECTO!!!  So DELISH.   Droollllllllllling….. slurp.

It doesn’t help that my honey tells me food turns me on more then him.  Well, yah - food is amazing!!!!!!

 So tomorrow I’m going to take it easy.  Just get on the elliptical for some easy cardio for a while before I get into my yoga class.

BTW, I admit today: I suck at being a parent - even a pseudo part time parent.  Poor Micah gets  a stomach ache and I feel lost.  Ahhhhh what do you want me to do again?  Whew, Rod came to save the day. 

This morning is wonderful!  What more can I ask for?  I forget sometimes how beautiful southern California is.  One of these days I have to take my run to Newport Beach.  Have too.  And I want to do it before the sunrise.  How beautiful is that?  The first Pacific Ocean sunrise I saw was on my first date with my honey about 1 1/2 years ago.  Just spectacular!

We got home early from watching Monsters vs Alien last night. It was my Nephew’s first so he was excited.  The kids all had a great time.   It was  a really good movie. Just remember the word “Gi-normica”.

Got up really early to eat a banana.  Then I went for a walk before the sun even came up.  It is so peaceful in the morning.  I was pleasantly surprise to see so many runners, joggers and walkers out there.  I opted to do a very fast but fun 6 mile walk.  I enjoyed every second of it.  I may have eaten a few bug or two because there was a swarm of little critters near the train station.  Extra protein right? :)  Only downside to walking early and near the train tracks, the train swings by and there’s a ton of dust and debris that swirls my way.

Got home.  Ate some more, slept for an hour then back to the gym I went.  I did 1 hr of weights, then jumped on the treadmill.  I did 3 miles at 6.0 - steady pace.  I just let my heart thumpin techno mixes/house mixes and club mixes music on my IPOD carry me through.

Now I home, tired but feeling very accomplished!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing feels better then getting every goal I set to come true.

It’s time for a shower and a nap.

We plan on taking the nephews and Rod’s son to the park.  This is Rod son’s last week with us before he goes to Kenya for boarding school.  Making the most of family time.

As you all know today our Anj stepped down from being a leader of Wildcats because she lost her job.  Without internet access she can’t be as proactive as she wants.  Well, I am taking her place TEMPORARILY as the leader for the Panther because we want our Anj back.  In the interim, Nicole will take my place as third leader.  We want a strong team, the same team that Anj dedicated herself to for so long.  WELCOME ABOARD MISS NICKY!

I have to say I don’t like change.  Today was hard because it forces me to make changes.  I loved how things were.  But the cycle of life is all about changes.  Today was a really good day aside from bucket loads of tears that were shed.  I have yet to loose focus.   Instead I’m more determined to do it then ever.

I’m off to my 4 mile jog/run/walk.  It has to be a low cardio day because I’ve been back at my routine with full force.

GUESS WHAT THIS KITTY DID 16 LAP AROUND THE TRACK = 3 MILE RUN AND 1 MILE WALK!!!!!!!!!!!! I went to a nearby school and ran the tracks.  WHoo hooo!  I feel liberated!

I am so proud of myself.  AUNT FLOW is almost here; any day now.  I wanted chocolate so so so so bad.  I can almost taste it.  Instead I opted to warm up my sweet  potato the steamed ones.  It’s not as good as chocolate but the craving is gone.   240 calories for 11 oz - can’t be that.  Now if you could eat 240 calories of food - what would you eat?  I want the chocolate but the sweet potato is a great filler.  UH HUH!!! And so sweet too!

Tomorrow I plan on getting 310 push-ups in.  WORKIN’ MY BABY BACK IN NOW!!!  I did some yesterday but I won’t count them.

Accountability:
Breakfast: 11 oz steamed sweet potato, green tea, coffee w/ cream only 260

Snack: Green tea, 1 sv of roasted unsalted mixed nuts, 1 laughing cow  235

Lunch: 4 cups Romaine lettuce: home made lettuce wrap w/ steamed chicken thigh and leg dipped in my fish sauce dip 300

Snack: Sweet potato 3 oz, 2 bites of a muffin 150

Dinner: baked chicken w/ salad and 1 cup rice, 3 bites of corn bread 500

Snack: 1 sv of ruffles potato chips, 150, sunflower seeds 50

Water: 130 oz, Vitamin yep

Rough patch again yesterday.  I have been running on very little sleep these days.  Last night went to sleep at 1:30am and woke up around 6am.  Sleep is a luxury for the most part.  Eating wise I barely ate.  Suffice to say work life, home life is certainly taking a toll on this Cat.  I didn’t realize how exhausted I was.

The tribe, my girlfriends - all our wonderful buddies on here Anj, Kama, Nicole, Lori and Tracey pulled me out of a nasty funk.

Guys, I did plan a 5 mile run along the shores of Huntington Beach to Newport Beach but the lack of sleep made it too easy to come home and sleep.

I did get to kickboxing and Pilates!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Both classes were the bomb!! I had a ton of fun.  It lifted my mood for the most part.

Now I’m home, ready to read the postings, blogs and forum love that I missed out on all day.

Accountability:

Breakfast: 11 oz of steamed sweet potatoe with skin 240 cal, 3 cups of green tea, coffee with cream

Snack:1 nectarine 100

Lunch: 4 cups of romaine lettuce - my usual lettuce wrap w/ steamed thigh and leg w/ my fish sauce and peanut dip 300

Preworkout food: 1 energy bar and 1 slice of pizza 500

Dinner: 1/2 slice of pizza 150, 3 egg and onion omelet w/ 1/2 cup rice 460

Water: 150 oz

My Angel is winning!

Growing up I always envisioned I will be a good mom and I will treat my children like gold.  Well, God did not bless me with children (thank  you) but this time around I’m given the opportunity to be a soon to be step mom.  

If I was a step mom then truth be told I feel like the evil momma in Cinderella.  Why because we have Rod’s son for a week and will have him for a couple more weeks before he gets shipped off to boarding school in Kenya.

I’m not used to sharing I must admit.  I’m used to having Rod to myself.  I’m not used to all the DRAMA that comes with this child- he’s special need very special need.  Some of you know a bit about the issues we have to deal with.   Anyhow, when he does certain things it annoys me.  His dad and I  haven’t been intimate - should be a blessing, we have 0 time alone….he’s always in my room.  Anyhow, due to my personal circumstance it has to be this way. 

So I told Rod this evening - look a lot of the tension we’re feeling is from me adjusting from being a single person and a couple to a couple with a teenager overnight.  I’m not used to it.  I’m trying and I’m glad he’s very patient with me.

It’s like this, I have no say so in a lot of stuff…simply becuase be a parent or parentlike scares the crud out of me!  I don’t know what’s appropriate to say what’s not!! This boy has special issues and it makes it 10000 times hard to deal with him.

What do I do?  Keep mum and say what I want when I feel most comfortable about the situation. Thank you there is no baby mama drama as the mom hasn’t been in the picture since he was two.  But the grandma who is guardian, well I changed my phone number so I don’t have to be dragged into their family matters.

Until I’m the guardian I’m  keeping mum.  But I feel bad because I feel like I’m getting upset over the stupidest things.  THINK!  He’s leaving for a year or so….must cherish the time we all spend together.   Talking to myself and blogging like a mad woman hehe.

 I realize I sound petty.  That’s why I’m trying to make the next couple of weeks special for all of us.  Trying - ok trying.

 Well well well.  I opted to skip out tonight so I can do my 2nd  two fave classes tomorrow - kickboxing and Pilates. 

If I exercise today then rest must come tomorrow if I should do my abs, weight, cardio run and pilates on Thursday.  Decisions decisions.  Well, I can skip tonight.  And I have a headache.

Accountability:

Breakfast: 2 serving of oatmeal w/ goji berries, coffee with no cream  250

Lunch: Green tea, homemade My style lettuce wrap w/steamed chicken thighs 1.5 and 3 sv of lettuce dipped in homemade fish sauce and peanut dip.  Oh roast my own peanuts too!  300

Snack: 1 small pc of plain Angel food w/ a nice whopping of whipped cream - YUMMO 150 and a large Starbucks brew coffee w/ cream

Dinner: 1/2 an apple, 2 sv of steamed sweet potato, 2 sv of PAM pan fried chicken and 1 cup rice 700

DAY 12

Food Angel: She’s on it and winning

Food Demon: 0

88 More days that’s all!  COACH purse in route

Exercise: 300 push-ups

That was a sad attempt at being my own cheerleader.  LOL 

Oh yes - you read that right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Whooooooo hooooooooo!

I am slowly getting back to my push-up routine.  Before my break its was 330.  Today I set a goal for 300!  Ok not just any 300 regular push-ups I wanted10 sets of 30 each!!!!!!!!!

Shakin’ what my  mama gave me!  I did it!!!!!!!!!!  BOOTIE BOUNCE OH YES!  I am one happy CAT!

Ok, so the rest of my day is focused on work, get to the gym at 6 to do 1/2 weights, run for 1/2 hr and do Salsa for an hour.   I barely break a sweat in Salsa, I’m doing it for the fun of it.  The run - that’s my drencher baby!

 OH YES!  I’M BACK FITTER AND STRONGER!!!!!!!!!!! 

OH AND IF YOU HAVE TIME, READY TO DO YOUR OWN PUSH-UPS AND NEED A LITTLE LOVE, I CAN SHOW YOU SOME LOVE WITH PUSH-UPS!

COME JOIN ME AND MY WONDERFUL FRIENDS ON THIS JOURNEY:

http://www.weight-loss-forums.buddyslim.com/fitness-challenge/4720-nancys-push-up-walk-run-challenge-74.html#post163384

I have been asked by numerous buddies lately, latest is my good friend Jen :),  how I do this? Well, I know I will never be 120 lbs like my sister.  I will be the weight that fits my body frame.

I’ve always been the FAT friend most of my life even when I was of average weight.  In second grade I weighed in at 100 lbs.  That’s heavy!  Being Asian is bad for big people; especially back in the day.  I was compared to an elephant, I was called fat, the boys didn’t like me because I was always the fattest one in the group.  I had very low self esteem.

Then when I met my ex, he accepted me for my size and when I was dating men of a certain race (Rod’s) I found out being thick was ok.  Well, when I got with my ex-husband my self-esteem took a nose dive, I spent more time worried about him then I did myself.  I fought depression and not being loved by my ex.  I ate a ton of food all the time.

Just to give you an idea of what I used to eat:

Breakfast: nothing, didn’t like breakfast

Lunch: Crappy food at work usually fast food, lots of burgers, cups of noodles, chips, cookies

Dinner: huge platefuls of rice and whatever was made for dinner.  Oh my God now that I think about it maybe about 5 to 7 servings of rice alone

Snacks: I can eat a dozen Crispy Creme donuts by myself!

When I found I couldn’t save my marriage, I decided you know what, I can’t do this anymore!  I WILL NOT BE A VICTIM!  I WILL DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!

And I did on Jan. 1 2005.  I started out walking.  5 minutes and I was out of breath.  Did my own version of Atkins, but kept 1/4 of my rice intake in.  8 months later I lost 40 lbs with just walking.  Joined 24hr fitness and learned I lost a lot of muscle when I lost the 40 lbs.  I then became a gym rat.  Like 15-18 hours a week.  I did Step, yoga, kickboxing, Cycle, swim…Bootcamp…. and more.  By 2006 I was down to 150 lbs but I lost most of my butt and legs from doing weights, kickboxing and yoga 6 days a week, 2 to 3 times a day.

Well, guess what happens when you overtrain? YEP!!!!!!!!!! INJURY!  I tore my groin muscle so bad, the doc refused to allow any exercise, just rest.  But hard headed Nancy did it and reinjured myself over and over again.  Depression and because I couldn’t get my exercise high led to 9 months of nothing and a gain of 30 lbs.

When I joined buddyslim in April of 08, I did it because it all clicked again.  I told myself this is the last time I start over.  At 180 lbs my Rod was in thick curve heaven.  The man couldn’t keep his hands off me.  But I had to do this for me once and for all.  I don’t need to prove anything to the ex.  It’s all about me!

So through alot of personal therapy and love from my Rod, daily log in and being active here keeps me focused on my goals. 

See, this weight loss journey taught me a lot about myself.  One, I love food.  This addiction alone makes it impossible for me to have a “normal” life.  I have to make sure I am always on guard. 

What works for me: 

-I don’t have cheat days because every day would be a cheat day.  Instead I eat in moderation.  Darn it Holly can tell you I eat some doritos at least 5 times a week or if it’s in my face. 

-I don’t eat out often because I can’t control what I put in my mouth.  So I make a lot of my own food. 

-I steam a lot of my food.   I eat a lot of veggies, fruits, fiberous foods and very little process food. 

-I eat food in it’s most natural state.  Like I eat raw apples or steamed but with the skin and no extra fixings

-I use simple ingredients in my food.  Very little salt and sugar if any at all

-I exercise moderately.  I only do about 10 and at most 13 hours a week.

-I cross train my exercise with Yoga (my first love), Pilates, kickboxing, running, walking, Atheltics training classes, dancing, weights, free weights mainly, body weight….etc.  For example one day I’ll do push-ups, then another day hit it hard with a class and another day I do free weights along with the big boys.

-I use both the gym, the outdoor and my bedroom

-I drink a ton of water, green tea and coffee

-No soda or sweet drinks except once in a while

-I make a connection between my mind, body and soul

-I challenge myself each and every day.  If I did 300 push-ups one day, the next it’s 310 or more. 

-I respect and love myself first.  AND THIS IS THE KEY!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO WANT THIS!  NO ONE ELSE CAN DO IT FOR YOU BUT YOU!  Then you can love your boyfriend, hubby and your other loved ones.  You have to be first!  There is no going around it.

I promised myself this - when I turn 40 I am going to be one hot 40 year old COUGAR!  :) 

My motivation comes from knowing my self worth.  I am worthy of this.  No one can do it for me but me!