Need help! How to be supportive if I’m not a parent!! 3 hr set today
I always wanted to be a mom; dreamt of it since I was a child. But for me and 31 years, it has yet to happen. I love my freedom from not having children. Case in point my sister and her two children. I get to sleep in for as long as I can. I have a lot of responsiblities in terms of my mother and my brother, but all in all I’m not responsible for someone from birth onwards.
I am so glad I never had a child with my ex-husband. That would have been suidical on my end. He would use it to be a part of my life and keep me as miserable for as long as possible.
To the meat of my problem. My honey has a child that was adopted by his mom. Long story and not something I want to write about at the moment. The mother, his ex, was only in his son’s life up till 2 years old. She disappreared. She lives in the same city but wants nothing to do with the son. She gave up her parental rights. She had “issues” that you know, effects the baby she was carrrying. This child is sweet but he has so many problems…problems that has come to light more and more recently.
He’s a teen now 13 years old and it’s been a roller coaster ride for all of us. He’s gotten himself into a situation that I don’t know if he can get out. Much less, how it’s going to effect him for the rest of his life. My baby tries to be a good father, but that’s hard to do when he has ropes tied around his arms. Things went from bad to worse. Let’s say the court system is involved now.
I am so confused. I don’t know what to do. For one, I am not a parent. I think that in itself makes it hard for me to give sound advice. Come one, would you a parent, take advice from a person who’s never given birth and a mother? So I’ve done my best….riding the waves of problems, headaches as they come. I sit in silent sometimes. Sometimes I speak my mind. But I feel so lost, so out of touch with what someone should do when their child is going through such turmoil and issues. I remember making a statement about something, I sort of dismiss as a big deal and his grandma, his adopted mom yelled at me because I didn’t quite get how serious it was. My bad!!! Of course I apologized.
Now, the son’s freedom is in jeopardy. I don’t know what my role in all of this should be…. do I stand back and say nothing? Do I get involved? This is not my child, no even a stepson yet and I have no legal bearing in the matter. And why should my words carry any worth? I mean, the boy doesn’t listen to his father - my boyfriend, his grandma or anyone? How are words or my actions going to change anything?
He’s been checked out by many psychologist and they can’t seem to find a problem with him. BUT THERE IS A PROBLEM!!!
I feel so out of my element. I’m afraid that if I say this it might be miscontrued and taken as someone who don’t care. I don’t know what my role is in all of this. A part of me wants no involvement. Yet another part says, you have to pull through and do your best to help this child. But I have so much on my plate. My mom, I have to take her in for more testing. I work full time, I have my own needs I must meet. I feel like I’m beings selfish, but I need my sanity time, my moments to work out and take care of my mental state. If I don’t I make just lose it! I can’t be that girl no more. I’ve gained so much strength in this past year to take any steps backwards.
I didn’t get a good night sleep. My honey has been up all night. I can’t even think happy thoughts.
All I know is I have to stay focus on my eating and exercise to get through this rough period. I can’t always be the problem solver. I Have to allow my hone and the other people to take care of this one.
I just hope I don’t sound selfish. I just need to take care of me so I can be there to help my honey get through this period. The future now is unknown. I don’t know how it’s going to effect the dynamic of the relationship I have with my boyfriend, his mom and others. I don’t expect things to stay the same. NO, not at all.
Hahhhhhhhhh * I sigh and take a big breath to release the mental tension.* Thank God I have a place to vent.
Tonight it’s all about 3 hours of step, kickboxing and yoga. I need it today more then ever.
Day 2 I win! I will beat you night time eating! I assure you I will come out the winner!!!!!
You don’t sound selfish at all. And you need to take care of yourself, the last thing Rod needs is for you to be sick.
I think the best thing you can do for him is give him lots of support. I am praying for you. Big hugs,Kama
*I’m crying Kama* I don’t know what to do….
Nancy, my love, all I can say is just be open and honest with Rod. Tell him how you’re feeling, and offer up some sound words of advice and see what he thinks. Maybe he can pass on your words of wisdom to his mom as if it came from him, so she won’t feel like you are butting in where you don’t belong. In the short of it, you may do better just being quiet and holding Rod up. That may be all he needs right now. Just knowing you’re there for him in this rough time is probably all he really needs. Let him know you’d love to offer suggestions (if you have some), but that you don’t want to give them out if they aren’t warrented. Let Rod’s mom know you’re there for her as well, even if it’s just a shoulder to lean on. She may really appreciate that. Tell her she can use you as a sounding board maybe, as well.. Hope this helps you, hon! ((((((((Nancy))))))))))) Love you lady!!
Oh, Nancy, I’m sorry that you are having to go through all this. My best advice would be to try to be supportive and most of all to pray about it. God will certainly lead you in the direction that you need to go. Just remember (I have to be reminded of this too…thanks Kama for this morning) that when you give it to the Lord, leave it there, do not pick it back up. I know you, as well as Rod, feel as if your hands are tied. Have faith, stay strong, but above all, pray.
Love you, Nancy. I will keep y’all in my prayers!
I think you are totally doing the right thing Nancy. Seriously, you can’t solve all of the worlds problems and you have PLENTY on your plate right now. Some of the stuff you didn’t even blog here today so not everyone gets the full picture. You cannot be the princess with a magic wand. In my opinion this has to come from those that are responsible for him. It also may be time for some tough love from the courts. I DO know what I’m talking about here because when my cousin was 13 he stole a mail truck to drive 4 hours away to buy the drugs that he was dealing. I can’t even begin to tell you how many laws he broke with that one. I’m just forever grateful that it was enough for him to spend some time under lock and key to get his life straightened out. He is now 23 years old, going to school and the daddy of a beautiful baby boy. Sometimes you gotta roll with the punches and pay for your mistakes. (((Nancy)))
I definitely know how hard it is to date someone who is a parent when you aren’t one yourself. I went through that with the guy I dated before I married my husband. He was a good guy, but I just wasn’t ready to be a step-mom to a five year old, when I hadn’t learned the first thing about parenting yet. And here you are, trying to do it with a teenager! Wow! I know it’s tough; you’re much stronger than me, because I couldn’t have done it. I know you love your boyfriend though, so the only advice I can give you is to stand by him (which you already are doing!) and just be there. I doubt you could do much to help with this situation with his son, even if you were some kind of child physchologist or mother of five, because it seems to be a really tough situation. Noone can fault you for taking care of yourself and the responsibilities you have before taking on more. I mean, would you expect your honey to abandon his son to help with your responsibilities? Doesn’t sound like you would. Just take care of you and maybe ask Rod what he needs from you in this situation? I bet you’re a big comfort to him even without taking an active role in solving these problems. I’m sure you’re his refuge from it all, and maybe that’s all he needs you to be in this certain situation.
I hope it all works out for the best! My heart really goes out to you, dealing with all these tough situations. You are SO STRONG and focused! **hugs**
p.s. You can’t solve everyone’s problems, so I hope you don’t feel guilty over that! You’re such a sweet person, it seems like you always want to help, but sometimes you just don’t have the time and energy to help everyone. Take pride in the fact that you do what you do, and don’t feel guilty for one minute over not being able to fix this!
Nicole, girl thanks for the feedback. Got your email.
Gidget Tracey
You are on point. Everytime we stray from the Lord, this is what happens. 
Anj, you are right babe. Thank you for reading my long winding email this morning and your support. That’s is what I want to tell him but it’s hard because as Tracey said, I don’t want to come off looking like a B*&CH. Huh sigh
Shaina, wow someone who can relate in some way to my confused state.
I sent him a text real quick just to let him know I’m thinking of him. Thank you for the sound advice.
Oh Nancy I feel bad for you. I don’t think there is any right or wrong way to go about this. You don’t have to be a mother to realize another human being needs help and is in a bad place. I know you want to reach out and tell this child that something needs to change but he will never change unless he is ready. I think if you feel comfortable offer him whatever advice you feel you need too and hope that he takes what you said and really thinks about it. Sometimes especially with kids they relate better to someone who is not their parent and that person might just be you..you never know.
In the mean time just support your man and his feelings about all this. You don’t have to be the problem solver maybe just a really good listener will be enough for both of them.
Nancy, I’m sorry things are so rough, but speaking from experience, if there’s nothing you can do, you do need to step back and remember not to pain yourself too much over it. My mom drives herself insane over things she has no control over (i.e. my brother who is pretty much killing himself by not taking care of him self– but he’s 34 years old!) I don’t think you’re selfish–and to those who might, sometimes your NEED to be selfish!!
I agree that this is not being selfish. You need to just tell Rod all that you have told us. He is a great man and he will understand.
I can only restate what others have said above. Offer your support to your sweetie, his mom and even the boy. You never know how those words of support will hit someone.
Best of luck sweet, and don’t worry nobody expects you to give up your whole life in service of others. Even nuns get to go on vacation.
~Renee’
I hesitate to even comment to this blog because I don’t know all the details … and to be perfectly honest… don’t want to know.
I do know this, and it’s something I’ve learned through the years. The best thing to do when you don’t know WHAT to do… is nothing, i.e., keep mouth zipped.
I WILL encourage you to be there for Rod, be a sounding board for him, and support his emotions and feelings. That is your place and where you chose to be when you hooked up with him.
Does that make sense?
Hugggggggggggggggs,
Shan
I’m sure my response will be long… so I’m gonna email it!
hugz
(((((Nancy)))))) Oh hon, just let your man know you care! You can’t solve everything yourself, but you know as long as you listen to him, comfort him, and let him know you are there for him physically and mentally, it will all work out.
Just because you have never given birth doesn’t mean you don’t know how to care or give some love and advice.
I have 3 kids, 6 1/2, 3 and 1 1/2. I can’t imagine life without them or my wonderful hubby of 12 years.
You just let Rod know you are there for whatever comes…good or bad. Sometimes you don’t need to say anything…just be there.
Hope all works out…sorry I was a little long winded…take care sweetie!! Trish
Hey girl,
I am the mother of a teenage boy who was a hell raiser to put it nicely. As such, if that child is having troubles etc, then he’s not going to listen to you. I vote for what everyone else is saying…be there for your man as things come up, let his mom know that if you want to talk…that you can be there for her (if your relationship with her is good).
Dealing with a child, much less one with troubles is a heavy burden…even if its just hes a trouble maker like my son. While I love him, its really been hard all these years.
Keep taking care of yourself girl, like Anj said…cant solve problems that dont belong to you sweetie.
Best of luck girl. love Debbie
Let the work outs be your expression and destressor they will help heal you in the end. Your a fighter hun you will make it I know you will figure it all out soon. Its hard to be in that position. We lvoe you though girl
Wow, how hard. I have no idea. If I were you I would say since it’s not your kid then you don’t have much say. Just keep supporting your man…
That is tough! I’m no stranger to the worries myself, having raised and still raising a teenage daughter. I do know that my husband now (her stepfather) has taken on the role with his whole heart. And, although yes, there were many bumps in the road, his words helped soothe and comfort her through the rough times, and he has bnever let her side whenever she needed help. My best advice, be his friend. Knowing you care can speak volumes. Wish I could be of more help. Take care Nancy and hope all goes well with you Rod, and his son.
Well… I’m not a mother either. And I’ve never been in that situation. But if it were me I would probably just leave it alone. I don’t know how you can do anything to help really. I mean be there for you boyfriend, and give him moral support. But in truth there isn’t really much you “can” do. Some kids just have to learn the hard way. I don’t think anybody is going to be able to do anything with him until he finally realizes that he’s ruining his life. And if that has to do with the courts getting involved… well that just might have to happen. Personally Nancy I don’t think it is your responsibility.. and if it were like I said there isn’t much anybody can do with out him accepting their help.
Be there for your boyfriend and give him support through this tough time. That’s about all you can do.
I don’t think that there is a right or wrong thing to do in this situation. Basically you have to do whats best for you. I work with troubled teens everyday, so maybe that is what this child needs, to be guided by professionals. I don’t know becuase I don’t know the details. If you feel like you should talk to the boy, then I would. How many times did we as teens not listen to our parents, but to another adult instead. Doesn’t sound like it could hurt. Do what your heart tells you to do. But remember you should always be #1, and that is not selfish. We have to take care of ourselves or we are no good to others. ((hugs))
I think you cut yourself short actually. I don’t think you should look at is as, I am not a mother, I never had a child, there is nothing I can offer.
I might be getting philosophical, but I don’t think that suddenly giving birth to a child gives you the knowledge and information, or even makes you able to care for a child.
For example, some mothers (my mom’s mother for example) has had 10 + children…but she was an awful mother! She was mean to them and wasn’t even a mother. I think she even gave her one child away at an early age(I know my mom did not like that).
On the other hand there might be women (or men maybe) who just can not physically have children even though it is all they want, and they would be a great parent to any child they have.
So I don’t think that just because you are not a parent, or not his mother that you cannot make a difference in his life. I think you already are taking care of him and looking out for him.
Take care.
I am sorry this is all occurring Nancy. I think you should def be there to support all involved in the matter (bf, his son and bf’s mom). THere really is not anything esle you can do. You are def not being selfish, focusing on you and your plate that is already full is far from selfish. It sounds like the kitchen is already full of cooks on this one as it is. I hope his son is able to get some help and therapy and some much needed tough love! I will def pray for your bf, his son and his mom cause there is probably a lot of pain there that no one intended. Thinkning of you all!
Nancy Nancy Nancy
you know you don’t have to be a parent to be supportive
you just need to be you
Sometimes (most of the time) the best thing we can do is listen.
You are a good listener I know that for a fact.
You put too much pressure on yourself.
Just keep lovin’ your man like you do.
If you do have an opinion about his son you have every right to express it.
Rodneys a huge part or your life and that makes his son a part also.
Good job taking care of yourself and getting your workouts in.
You know if you don’t take care of YOU you won’t be able to take care of anyone else.
Luv ya
Lori
Nancy, so sorry you are dealing with all that you are. funny thing, i used to teach parenting classes when i was about 24 and 10 yrs away from being a parent. while i didn’t really think i knew everything i thought i knew something. now, as a parent, i laugh. that being said, i do believe people without kids can have good ideas, intentions, and can be helpful. I wouldn’t dare to be right or push anything on Rod, but your ideas are usually good. Ask him what he wants for support as well.whatever you do it is NOT selfish to take care of yourself - you have to do that as it is the only thing that will allow you to be strong for Rod and his son. hugs to you my friend!
Sorry to hear this Nancy. This is tough. Very good advice you have been given here. My two cents worth… Support Rod in any way possible…listen, listen, listen. Let him know that he can bounce stuff off of you, or ask for your advice if he wants it. However, I don’t believe you have to be a birth Mom to sometimes have insight that maybe the “real” parents don’t see.
Again, sorry this is going on, and I very much agree that you must take care of you-otherwise you are NO GOOD to others! Hang in there!
Sending love and prayers your way.
Renee
You may not be a mom or parent, but you are a successful woman who has seen great adversity and surpassed it! ^_^ I think if you talk to anyone about anything you should talk directly to the young boy. He isn’t listening to his parents or guardians, most likely, because he is tired of listening to the same people. He may just have some anger management issues that have been left un-resolved. With whatever you decide I hope you find peace with it! Good luck girl!
Hi Nancy,
I don’t really know if there is much I can add to all of this. I can imagine you are feeling really overwhelmed right now, and stressed and wondering just what might be the right direction to take.
Make sure you go back and re-read your post a few times. There are some of your own answers in there. How you need to take care of yourself, how you need to keep working out. You need to take care of you to be there for others.
Has your partner asked for advice? Does he want your option or ask you to help with this decision/situation? or does he use you as a sounding board for his own thoughts and ideas. His approach may give you some idea of how to proceed. Have you asked him what role he wants you to play?
I hope you won’t underestimate how much listening and being there for him means. He probably is not expecting many of the things from you that you expect from yourself. He may even feel you play more of a role that you feel you are because you are there for him, listening and caring.
I can’t pretend to know what you should or should not do. I do know that love, listening and support go a long way. No one can really ask more for you than that.
Good luck, our warm energy and love thoughts go out to you!
Just be you.
Me time is something we should all take… it doesn’t sound selfish of you, but as far as the weather or not you should get involved part I think you can give your support and show him you care and even that will be something both of those guys your guy and his son will look back on and remember that yes you did care and you showed it at such a horrible time in their lives. When he’s grown and out of trouble and has his life straightened out he will be grateful to you for showing your support even when he didn’t want it. And Rod I’m sure would love it if you just showed some support even if it’s not in advice form. I hope everything gets better for this young man and he gets his life straightened out.
hey Nancy… you totally have to look after yourself in this one. If you dont keep healthy and sane, then Rod will lose his support from you. Just being there for him will be enough. He has to sort this out himself. This is his problem. I dont want to sound harsh… but that’s the way I see it. Your role in this is to be as supportive as you can be for Rod. To be an ear for him, and be there for a hug when the times get rough.
Aw Nancy…
I think being there and just supporting Rod is a good thing. You are in a difficult place. as a parent, I am not opposed to hearing an opinion or advice from someone else (as long as its in the right way) but I also have to filter that with what I have learned and do know as a parent…does that make sense or did I jumble it??
Maybe just being supportive and asking what he needs from you?? Such a hard place girl…
Big hugs Nancy…love you!
I will never have children (though I have a nutty cat that I am weenie off anxiety pills… my poor Oscar) so it is hard to say. But I think you do not have to be involved until that moment when you absolutely feel you have something to contribute. It might be neat if you could talk to him as someone who is a good influence but not a parent. That is not your role, my opinion. But it is a toughy… Wish you luck Nancy. Take care… You do so well with this.
By the way, I am at day 1 of no night time eating…yah….hehe. It feels good. Have a great day.
Oh, I disagree so much about not being able to support or have advice or opinions if you don’t have kids of your own. If you are capable of compassion and feeling and love, you are going to want to help a child, no matter what. When it comes to my boyfriend’s kids, I feel the best thing I can do is support him, help him look at things from another perspective, be another loving pair of arms for the kids. But when I think something is wrong, I feel I owe it to the kids and to my boyfriend to speak up. It’s a long story itself, let’s just say not everyone involved is 100% interested in the kids’ needs first. My point being, not all parents are capable of good advice or actions regarding kids, and not being a parent doesn’t mean you have nothing to give or add. If it is too much for you right now, step back and support your boyfriend and his son as best you can. That means a lot.
You are not selfish. You need to be healthy to be supportive. To be your man’s strength you need to be strong. The only thing you can do for this child right now is just love him and his father. Being able to love and support someone in the worst of times is hard, thank goodness you are such a strong woman. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.
nancy, with everything you have in your plate right now with your mom and all….you are not being selfish….if it was me i would step back….let your honey and grandma deal with this situation, all you can do is be suportive for your honey, and only if he invites you in for a suggestion…then you are given the permission to give him your opinion or advice in how maybe a solution might help…..we are not talking about a 5 yrs old we are talking about a teen who is out of control….Now things would change for instance he had to come and live with you…that is totally a different situation that will change your relationship with your honey…and you 2 would have to agree on…it doesn’t change the fact that his behavior will change…it might even hurt your relationship….so unless your honey is asking you that question don’t suggest it unless you are able to commit 100% with such a major desicion…H5 you are not selfish you are just seeing the pros and cons….
Hey, I am a mother but my son is far from his teenage years. However, I do know that dealing with children — especially children that aren’t your own — can be very tricky. It takes alot of patience, dedication and prayer. I think that what Rodney needs most right now is to know that you support him. Trust me, you don’t sound selfish because by you taking care of yourself that is giving him less to worry about and in turn more time to spend and the focus that he needs to deal with his son. Just pray about the issues that Rodney’s child is going through. Where there is a will, God will make a way. Keep Rodney, his family and his son in your heart and prayers and it will work itself out. Don’t turn your back though and whatever you do don’t give up. Your heart is definitely in the right place and believe it or nor just knowing that someone has your back and supports you (and also knowing that that person will be there when you need them) goes a long way. Hang in there — I’ll keep u in my thoughts!!!
I would have to say that it is very important that you focus on as many positive points as possible! When things go wrong, or people around us have issues, it is easy dwell on the negatives. When we make mistakes or others in our lives do not meet expectations, we tend to focus on what makes us feel like we failed or that others have failed us. Being supportive is difficult at times but sometimes just those few little things (time, listening, acknowledging others feelings, ect..)is what keeps us going when we are in those hard places in life. You can do it…take your stress out in your workout!