Nancy’s Weight loss Journey 5 Yrs & Counting

Last night Rodney and I wanted to make a quick trip to Long Beach to pick up some money from  his mom’s house.   For the most part he always dress to blend in with the community.  He usually sticks out like a sore thumb in my neigborhood because he’s Black.  But last night he decides to wear you know, a cap, white t-shirt and jeans.  He went to move his car and it’s out of gas; we have two other cars but decided that this is the one we want to take.  So I come around the corner with my car to save him his parking spot when I see my poor honey manually moving his car to get it out of his spot - ran out of gas.  I stayed a few pace behind to make sure he doesn’t get run over.  Well, wouldn’t you know, a few minutes in here comes Tustin police.  He gets nosey, asks what he’s doing and he told him car out of gas, and he was moving it and got me behind for his safety.  Well, of course, the cop doesn’t leave him alone.  I parked my car, told him to grab his gas filler to get gas.  The cop parks across the way in the marketplace and watch us then leaves.  We knew he’s lurking about.  Rod took my car to fill up the gas thingy (can’t remember the word for it ) and brought it back - guess who comes back too?  The cop and he sees me standing with Rod’s car.  He asks where my honey is at and I said he’s back from getting gas.  As soon as my poor boyfriend walked up he already knew who he was - yep ran his license plate and knew exactly who he was.  He has a bench warrant for something minor and the cop brought that up but Rod is already taking care of it with the courthouse.   Cop said to Rod, ”You know, if I was a mean cop I would take you in for a simple warrant”  but told him that he’s addressing it with the court system but they always screws it up with the child support issues.   He eventually let us go.

 What bothered me about this whole incident are -1) the cop never asked if we were ok.  2)He thought we were trying to steal a car and that’s why he ran the plate.  When the plate came back registed to my boyfriend he brings up the warrant issue.  But because Rodney was honest, he wasn’t doing anything against the law, he couldn’t do much.  3) the court system, child support system, dmv are all fu$#KED up.  I mean my man is trying to take care of business, he pays his child support for both children every single month.  He has all the paperwork to support this, yet they continue to put him on suspension because they can’t get their act together.  The system has him running around in circles, take time off from work to address it and it’s never fixed - this or that dept is always missing this or that.  I would understand if he’s not paying and not doing his part, but he is.  I wonder if it’s easier if he’s a deadbeat dad and not pay a penny?  Maybe then he’ll get a break.    

Anyhow, I believe he was racially profiled.  I mean, if it was me stuck with a car with no gas and trying to move it, I believe I would be treated differently.  I believe they would have asked me if I was ok and leave it at that.  But because of what he looks like, the clothes he wore, and the neighborhood we’re in, which Black people are a minority, he was singled out.   What if I wasn’t out there with him?  It would have been a different scenario and I would be posting bail for my boyfriend.  They would have seen a young Black man pushing a car, stopped him, made him sit on the curb, ran his ID, took him in and all for what?  Because of the color of his skin. 

 I went through similar events with my ex who was also Black.  Get this, I’m the one driving and swerving because it’s 3am in the morning and I’m tired.  I get pulled over but guess who’s getting interrogated and sitting on the curb?  The man did nothing wrong other than being a passenger in my car. 

 I’m proud of my Rodney.  He handled the situation well, was honest, told police he was aware of his warrant and address the issue to have it revoked and settled.  I’m glad I was there to confirm his efforts in taking care of child support.

Oh, and I didn’t binge on food due to the event.  Yeah me

2 years ago on this day I left my now ex-husband.  I met him shortly after starting my second year in college.   For a first generation Cambodian and getting into college on a full ride was a big deal.  I was also working full time to support myself, bought a car with my own money and was doing what I need to secure a good future for myself and my family.  But after meeting him I fell off and my life took a u-turn.  Basically I was a doormat for this man.  He took advantage of my kindness, did not contribute to the relationship and ultimately never loved me the way a man is suppose to love his wife.  The last hurdle for me was getting an email from his “girlfriend” of 4 months asking me if I could meet with her for coffee so we can have a discussion about my husband.  In the email she told me that they’ve been together for 4 months and she knows about my marriage and that the divorce is in process.  She wants to learn more about him from me.   This woman certainly had balls - and when I told her I knew nothing of a divorce or of her, things continue to snowball.  Of course I never met with her and asked her to never contact me again.  If she has issues - must take it up with her “boyfriend”.  That was the last day he spent in my house and of course he tried to deny the whole thing.   He tried for about a year and a half to reconcile - several attempts actually but I knew I could never turn around and return to that life.  That girl is dead to me - the young nieve person who didn’t love herself.  By then I already lost 70 lbs.  But no amount of weightloss made me feel better about  myself because at that point I still did not love me.   It wasn’t a surprise when I hurt myself from overdoing it in yoga and in nine months gained 30 lbs back. 

Fast forward to the present - I am almost healed.  I believe God blessed me after so many years of living in my personal hell.  He brought a wonderful man into my life.  I was on a dating site for about two weeks and it was a bit overwhelming.  Too many emails and faces to go through.  I talked to many men and went on a few dates.  None really got my attention.  Then I met Rodney - my knight in shining armor.  From the moment we laid eyes on each other we sort of knew that this is it.  Our first date started with a movie then a 5 hour midnite breakfast at Denny’s then a ride to Newport Beach to watch the sunrise.  Since that first date we’ve been inseparable. 

It’s almost a year since I’ve met him and my love life is near perfect - something I couldn’t phantom even last year.  Yes, Rod does not support my weight loss, this is just about the only place I don’t get support - but it’s because he  believes in loving me the natural me and didn’t want me to change to be something I’m not.  That battle will rage on for I fear, a while.  But besides that, he is everything I want in a partner.  He is loving, supportive, is the man in the house, got my back 200%,  respects me, respects himself, loves his mom and close to mom,  did I mention handsome too - hehehe, mindful of all my needs, takes care of all  my needs and puts my needs before himself.  We are opposites in some areas yet share the sames goals, core values, family values and goals.  Our wants in life are similar.  

He knows of my issues with self esteem, self hatred and have been working everyday with me to address these issues so I can overcome them.  He knows of my struggles in life and tells me I’m the strongest person he’s ever met.  He admires me and my strength - this is something I struggle with daily.  He tells me I’m one in a million and he’s lucky and honored that I chose him to be a partner.  Everyday he chips away at that block of pain and hurt created by my past relationship.    

We are partners in everything, we take turns in the driver seat.  Most of all, he is my cheerleader in life.  For the first time in my 31 years, I’m content with life.  I may be 20 lbs away from goal but I’m ok with that too.  I will eventually get there, it may take longer then the first 65 but it will come off eventually.  There’s no longer a rush to get to goal.    

He told me the other day that my search for perfection is in vain, because I don’t realize that the very thing I’m search for I have already.  I am in his eyes beautiful, more at 180 lbs then 155 lbs and even more at 220 lbs - but I won’t go into that argument right now -because it’s not about what I look on the outside but the person he sees inside.    To him I am perfect, I just have to stop searching for what I already have.  Perhaps once my inside is healed, it will catch up to what he sees and tells me on a daily basis - that I’m perfect as I am and accept it.  :)    

 I missed being on Buddyslim!  I was so busy I didn’t get to log on and catch up but I’m back today.

Last night was nice.  My honey and I sat by the pool all evening just chattin’ up about our relationship, how well it’s going, the positive impact we have on one another and so forth.  After 10 yrs of trying to get into an art school, he’s in and it has made a major impact on his outlook on life.  He is so committed to finishing school, make his mother proud of him, me proud and becoming the breadwinner.  Finally, he sees a real future for himself, the one he envisioned but didn’t know if it would take shape due to his immigrant status and financial situation. 

Then we get to the subject of my weight.  He asks me why I want to lose weight?  Why is it that I feel I have to look a certain way?  Why do I feel the need to exercise so much?  I told him it’s because I want to lose 20 more lbs.  He tells me, something similar to what my mom said, that I won’t lose that much more because of my body phsyique.  It disheartened me a bit but I dismissed it.  I won’t allow anyone to deter me from reaching goal.  

I thought more about it this morning -  it’s more then about losing 20 lbs….it’s about me being true to myself.   

Yesterday was my day off from working out and it felt weird.  I felt off track, like I forgot to do something all day.  I love my routine, I love what I do.  I’m so used to doing things for everyone else but myself.  So the few hourse I spend in the gym is solely for me.  I disappear into my own world, I focus on nothing but what I’m doing at the moment.   When I exercise, I’m in control….when a person like me who rarely took control of life, being in control of my body is powerful.  I carry that attitude into other aspects of life too now.  I am learning how to say no and not feel guilty.  I can look people square in the eye and tell them how I feel; whereas before I would keep my opinions to myself.  To me exercise was my lifesaver when I felt lost before my divorce.  Now, it’s my friend, the thing that makes me happy.  So to my honey, as much as I love you, I will not back down from the thing I know is going to help lengthen my life, keep me young and healthy.  

I’m still  puzzeled as to why he does not want me to lose weight.  Oh well, to each his own.  I have to do what makes me happy and that’s all that matters in my world.  He loves me regardless but sometimes I wish he would stop using a double edgesword on me when it comes to my weight.   Let me lose weight in peace.

It’s been a rollcoaster weekend and weird start for the new month for us. 

Monday started out bad but ended with happy news.  Rodney went to start his van for work and it wouldn’t stat.  He went to hook up his other car for a jump and nearly burned his small car.  Luckily he was thinking on his feet, despite getting 2nd degree burns on three fingers on his left hand, he managed to put the fire out.  Sad to say there were bystanders but none came to his aid.  He came back in and we immediately went to the store and nursed his wounds.  Bad luck day turned good after all.   He didn’t go to work so he went to a well known art school to check on his enrollment status.  BTW, even though he’s been here from Kenya for the last 25+ years he never got an alien card until recently.  With that in hand he finally got financially aid!!!! So he starts school end of August.  The Art institute he is accepted at usually find employment for graduates with Disney, Pixar and much of Hollywood.  Rodney is very talented and his work is beautiful.  He plans on getting his degree and do illustrations for one of these companies.     

 I have been struggling, struggling for the last month to get off this plateau.  I’ve tweaked my workout, my food intake and nothing seems to really work.  I’m not giving up.   I continue to do what I’m doing and maybe something will give.  I am getting more sleep.  Hopefully that’ll help me somewhere.  Even though I have not lost weight in about a month, people in my classes that have not seen me in a while were telling me the last few days that I’ve lost a lot of weight.  I would explain to them that I have lost weight but at a standstill right now.  To them they say I look smaller now whether or not I’ve lost weight.  It does make me feel better but I really really want the darn scale to move.

 Lynda is back for power sculpt and possibly no more subs for a while.  She really gave it to us.  I got a really good workout this morning.  Finished it off with a morning yoga session.  I’m glad she’s back.  I’ve notice my weightloss flatlined when she started subbing out her classes due to her knee injury. 

Tonight I have another kickboxing and yoga duo to do.  Then tomorrow will be an off day. 

This is a new week, new month…whether or not I lose any weight, I feel stronger and much better about myself then I have in a long time. 

I tell myself, hey your 155 lbs, size 7/9 so be happy you’ve made progress.  Ok, no more psycho self talk.  :)  Back to work. 

 Have a good day everyone!