khmerbeauty

2 years ago on this day I left my now ex-husband.  I met him shortly after starting my second year in college.   For a first generation Cambodian and getting into college on a full ride was a big deal.  I was also working full time to support myself, bought a car with my own money and was doing what I need to secure a good future for myself and my family.  But after meeting him I fell off and my life took a u-turn.  Basically I was a doormat for this man.  He took advantage of my kindness, did not contribute to the relationship and ultimately never loved me the way a man is suppose to love his wife.  The last hurdle for me was getting an email from his “girlfriend” of 4 months asking me if I could meet with her for coffee so we can have a discussion about my husband.  In the email she told me that they’ve been together for 4 months and she knows about my marriage and that the divorce is in process.  She wants to learn more about him from me.   This woman certainly had balls - and when I told her I knew nothing of a divorce or of her, things continue to snowball.  Of course I never met with her and asked her to never contact me again.  If she has issues - must take it up with her “boyfriend”.  That was the last day he spent in my house and of course he tried to deny the whole thing.   He tried for about a year and a half to reconcile - several attempts actually but I knew I could never turn around and return to that life.  That girl is dead to me - the young nieve person who didn’t love herself.  By then I already lost 70 lbs.  But no amount of weightloss made me feel better about  myself because at that point I still did not love me.   It wasn’t a surprise when I hurt myself from overdoing it in yoga and in nine months gained 30 lbs back. 

Fast forward to the present - I am almost healed.  I believe God blessed me after so many years of living in my personal hell.  He brought a wonderful man into my life.  I was on a dating site for about two weeks and it was a bit overwhelming.  Too many emails and faces to go through.  I talked to many men and went on a few dates.  None really got my attention.  Then I met Rodney - my knight in shining armor.  From the moment we laid eyes on each other we sort of knew that this is it.  Our first date started with a movie then a 5 hour midnite breakfast at Denny’s then a ride to Newport Beach to watch the sunrise.  Since that first date we’ve been inseparable. 

It’s almost a year since I’ve met him and my love life is near perfect - something I couldn’t phantom even last year.  Yes, Rod does not support my weight loss, this is just about the only place I don’t get support - but it’s because he  believes in loving me the natural me and didn’t want me to change to be something I’m not.  That battle will rage on for I fear, a while.  But besides that, he is everything I want in a partner.  He is loving, supportive, is the man in the house, got my back 200%,  respects me, respects himself, loves his mom and close to mom,  did I mention handsome too - hehehe, mindful of all my needs, takes care of all  my needs and puts my needs before himself.  We are opposites in some areas yet share the sames goals, core values, family values and goals.  Our wants in life are similar.  

He knows of my issues with self esteem, self hatred and have been working everyday with me to address these issues so I can overcome them.  He knows of my struggles in life and tells me I’m the strongest person he’s ever met.  He admires me and my strength - this is something I struggle with daily.  He tells me I’m one in a million and he’s lucky and honored that I chose him to be a partner.  Everyday he chips away at that block of pain and hurt created by my past relationship.    

We are partners in everything, we take turns in the driver seat.  Most of all, he is my cheerleader in life.  For the first time in my 31 years, I’m content with life.  I may be 20 lbs away from goal but I’m ok with that too.  I will eventually get there, it may take longer then the first 65 but it will come off eventually.  There’s no longer a rush to get to goal.    

He told me the other day that my search for perfection is in vain, because I don’t realize that the very thing I’m search for I have already.  I am in his eyes beautiful, more at 180 lbs then 155 lbs and even more at 220 lbs - but I won’t go into that argument right now -because it’s not about what I look on the outside but the person he sees inside.    To him I am perfect, I just have to stop searching for what I already have.  Perhaps once my inside is healed, it will catch up to what he sees and tells me on a daily basis - that I’m perfect as I am and accept it.  :)