khmerbeauty

Life is tough.  For every step forward I feel I take 5 back.  My faith in God will get me through it all.  

After a couple hours spent at kickboxing and yoga I come back to bad news.  My boyfriend asked that I pick him up.   Found out Rod’s car was repossessed.   We knew it was coming but what we didn’t prepare for was also losing the van the same day.  He got into a major accident and the van is all messed up.  Found out his mother cancelled the insurance policy  2 days ago.  The estimate to repair the van is $3000.00.   

I think I’m still in shock.  Prioritizing is important at this point.  We need to focus on him going to school, me working, budgeting our money wisely and just live one day at a time until we figure out plan B.  We’re back to square one - I’m the only one bringing in money.  To be honest, I’m not too stressed out about it.  I believe everything happens for a reason.  This may be a blessing in disguised.  Rod should not be driving because of issues with child support, a bench warrant and them suspending his license due to child support.   His school is one exit away from work.  We are carpooling and it’ll be ok.

 I am staying optimistic that things will work out.  After all, gas is sky high, carpooling is good for the pocketbook and environment.  I was watching a documentary on a man who is half man half tree.  He has a skin disease due to low white cell count and virtually no immune system to fight warts that are growing all over his body.  He doesn’t have hands but branch like warts and growth - but you know what, he has a loving family.  People who are there for him.  He has two beautiful children and he smiles.  If a man who’s covered in warts, branches for arms can smile and laugh, then I have no problems.  He is my inspiration and I will smile and just keep on living optimistically.   

I have to modify my workout schedule so that we can carpool.  Will be sad I won’t get to go to all my favorite classes, but I will take it as an opportunity to explore and try new routine and classes. 

I had a long night.  I didn’t eat enough calories yesterday so at 3am I woke up and had some toast.  I blame it on Rodney for keeping me up to watch a movie - j/k.  It’s all me.

 My shoulders and back are sore from yesterday’s 3 classes.  I did well ovr 40 tricep push-ups in yoga.  I’m proud to say I did them all and did it with good form.  The step class was fun but really not me but I’ll do it again next week.     

So I’m switching it up a bit today; will do 3 classes again.  However, I failed to get up for my 5:45am sculpt class; will make up for it tonight with adding a set class in after yoga.  Not thrilled about doing my strength conditioning after cardio but it will do for today.  I’ll do my kickboxing and yoga class with Chrisie.  I’m afraid she will also incorporate some tricep push-ups into our flow today but I can certainly handle them. 

I’ve had a pretty active 3 days.  Tomorrow is my off day so my body can heal. 

 In terms of food, I’m sticking to what I did yesterday.  It provided enough energy to sustain me through all 3 classes. 

Ok, so yesterday I bombed on food.  But I forgot to mentioned, I did a 35 min. of upper body, 1 hr of kickboxing and then swam with the family all afternoon.

Thank you to all my buddies who came out to support me and my blog.  I do appreciate it.

Today I stuck to my food plan.   I had enough energy to do my kickboxing, yoga and I added a step class tonight.  I put all my energy into the first two.  The step class was just an easy 45 min. of cardio because it’s been 3 years since my last step class and because I just wanted something to do while Rodney is at school.

Well, tomorrow morning it’s 5:45am power sculpt class, then afternoon kickboxing and yoga.  Wedneday is my day off so my body can heal.

Ok, gotta take a shower now and relax.   Have a great night everyone!

This weekend I was on such a great roll.  I had my journal.  I used it to jot down all my food and exercise.  It kept me mindful of my food intake and I was feeling like I was getting somewhere.

 Looking back I ate well on Friday and Saturady.  Then Sunday morning I was watching Paula cook on FN.  She’s making Asian food including eggrolls.  We started talking about how I’m the queen of eggrolls.  After a few yes and no’s I gave in and we went to get the ingredient.  I was telling my sister how I really need to stick to what I’ve been doing and not overdo it with the eggrolls. 

 I made 25 eggrolls; and ate about 6 or 8 by myself.  I couldn’t get myself to log in into my food journal this morning.  I am so mad at myself for giving into temptation. 

 Haaaaa, so here I am this morning wondering if I can undo yesterday.  I wasn’t going to blog because I am really upset with my lack of will power.  But I want to have this in writing so in a few months I can look back at my mental state when I started day 1.

 Today is my Day 1.  I am recommitting to myself to get on with it with my food issues.  No more BS’ing.  Sticking to a few simple rules - Eat better, especially after  work and on the weekend, move around more during office hours and continue to add new exercise to my routine. 

Eat breakfast -  protein, complex carb and drink48 oz of h20 by 10am

Snack - complex carb, 2nd 24oz of h20

Lunch - lean protein, with veggies and complex carb,  3rd 24o of h20

Snack - complex carb and dairy - no water, can’t make it through my class without a bathroom break

Dinner - protein and simple carb (my white rice) and vegetable, 4th 24oz of water

Exercise - ’bout 1 liter of water

August 25th
Breakfast - 1 whole wheat toast with jam and whipped cream, 1 hard boiled egg, water and cup of coffee with 1/2 and 1/2

Lunch - grilled chicken breast with romaine and honey mustard dressing on 1 whole wheat tortilla shell -toasted, water

Snack - 1 cup of blueberry and blackberry with 1/2 cup of non-fat yogurt, water

Dinner - leftover homemade stir-fry chicken and vegetables with 1 cup rice, water

  Exercise - kickboxing and yoga

This is my personal gym workout challenge.

Yesterday I challenged myself to do 3 back to back classes.  Not only did I do them, but I did them well.  I increased my weights by 5 lbs, which made a big difference because I was at a 10 by the 3 set.  I also challenged myself to do regular push-ups, and I was able to do 35 of the 50 the instructor challenged us to.

Due to my success yesterday I realized that I can go beyond my comfort zone and do more then I thought I could.  Even though I was tired due to lack of good sleep, I still got up and made it to my 5:45am kickboxing class.  Can’t do more than that today but I did get my cardio out of the way. 

If you were to ask me 6 weeks ago how many push-ups I can do, I’d say 5 at the most.

I put a lot of time and dedication to my routine.  But I need to amp it up.

So I’m challenging myself to be a fitter person by the end of the year.  Whether or not I lose weight along the way, at least I’ll be stronger then ever.

I have some trouble areas that I need to focus on.  By setting these goals I hope I’ll be in tip top shape by X-mas.
Strength and endurance
Current: Regular push-ups   35
Goal: 60 push ups done in sets of 20

Current: 2ea 8 lb dumbells  for bi-cep curls - can do up to 6 sets, with the barbell I’m at 20 lbs. 
Goal: 2ea 15 dumbell by december at 4 sets,  with the barbell I want to be at 40 lbs.

Current: 50 lbs on lat pull down 5 sets
Goal: 70 lbs 5 sets

Current: 10 lb for individual arm tri-cep, 15 lbs for both arms, sets various depending on the routine
Goal: 15 lb for individual arm and 25-30 for both arms

Current: Shoulders, I do various exercises at different weights depending on  move.
Goal: Increase the weight by 20% by year end.

Current: Low and high Row, 40 lbs, 6 sets
Goal: 70 lbs, 6 sets

Yoga
Current: 1 minute of plank push up sometimes with one leg
Goal: 5 min plank with 1 leg at 2:30 min. per side

Current: 20 tri-cep push-ups at 5 push-up incraments during class (before going into chaturango in yoga class)
Goal: as many as asked for during class - 1 legged and no bounce

Current: I still can not get my legs straight at a 45 degree angle in boat pose
Goal: To be able to hold boat pose with perfect form for 1 minute

Current: In eagle pose, my fat calves are too big to wrap around my other calve.
Goal: To wrap 100%

Current: Tree pose with eyes open, can do all day long
Goal: Tree pose with eyes closed for a couple minutes

Current: Side plank with mermaid 5x, 2 sets
Goal: Side plank 1 leg only with mermaid 5x, 2 sets

Cardio
I’m doing about 5 kickboxing classes a day.

By end of this year I would like to add/sub  different classes to keep it fresh.

I want to:
Do a couple spin classes a week
Add 1 Pilates class and continue with 3 classes of yoga
Keep one power sculpt class, 1 lift class, 1 day of my own routine
Add jump rope into the mix.  Maybe work up to 10 min. a day
Run, maybe 2 miles but always have shin issues
Experiment with different classes at least one time

So yesterday I had everything planned out.  Work, leave work, go home for a couple hours then head to the gym for a spin class followed by a Pilates Fusion class.  This Fusion class is a new one for me; I’m used to regular Pilates.  I was so excited about going to the gym.  I wanted to practice the new round in kickboxing, wanted to get the routine down pact so I can focus on form.  Then I wanted to end my day with something new.

WELLL, I get home and relaxed with my honey.  I told him I’m leaving for my classes soon.  Dang, he got psychological on me.  Told me he can tell I’m gaining weight because he sees it in my butt; then tells me he’s going to his mom because I’m going to the gym.  I told hime about the new class I”m trying and he tells me Pilates is Bull$*FHsh%$#*.  I told him I respect his opinion but I know it’s a great format.  I guess he realized he attempts to keep me home wasn’t working; 6pm comes by and I got dress to leave.  Guess what?  He pulls out the sex card.  I swear, I was watching the clock and trying to hurry things up.  Well, well, I missed class, not one but both. 

I told him never again will I come home before going to the gym.  Most of the time I do my morning routine by 5:45am, work then if I have an afternoon class, get dressed at work and straight to the gym.  This strategy of coming home to chill and leaving didn’t work and will never be attempted again.  I told him he will not keep me from my workouts. 

He starts art school today and it happens to be an evening class.  With him out of my way I am going to attempt my first 3 hour block; something I haven’t done in a while.  Excessive? Not for me, I used to do 3 hour blocks about 3 times a week about a year ago.

I’m starting it off with an hour of Lifting, then an hour of cardio - kickboxing, then a regular Pilates class to close out the night.  

May sound crazy, but I want this day to be over so I can get to it.     

I failed guys, completely and utterly failed last night.  I gave into the food monster.  I had every intention of sticking to my food plan but I didn’t.  The moment I walked through the door I went straight for the pantry and started munching on crap, first it was the crispy no good for me noodles you put in a salad, then it’s a fudge bar but only ate half…I was still hungry but I was really trying to stay on course.  Dranking water, didn’t help….then I smell bacon.  Bacon, one of my favorites.  Guess what I do?  Made four slices for myself.  Man, as I was eating the bacon with rice, I was in food heaven.  I was enjoying every piece but with every piece I tell mself no more..yeah right.  I ate it all.  To top it off, I eat some chicken breast with rice at 8.  But I knew I was still hungry and all I needed it someone to offer me food.  Sure enough, midnight comes around and my honey has fast food.  I of course ate someo f the fries and a bite off his burger.  I don’t know why I ate it; all I know is the urge to eat was stronger then my will power.

This morning I scheduled in my morning workout and set my alarm.  At 5am, when it went off I did not want to get out of bed.  The thought of snuggling in bed with my BF was so tempting.  But I did it.  I forced myself out of bed and drove to the gym half asleep.  Got my 1 hr of power sculpt this morning. 

 Today I feel a lot better.  I decided to opt out my usual morning cereal for 2 eggs with whole wheat toast.  I am holding up well.  No crazy cravings yet.  I have an hour to go before lunch and I’m doing ok.  During days in which I crave protein, no amount of carbs, no matter how complex or good for me will do.  I realize that that was my mistake yesterday.  I was trying to stick to my usual food and not play into my body’s request.

Today is a high protein day.  I hope I don’t overdo it with the food.  I have two classes, kickboxing and yoga, this afternoon, which I need fuel for so I’m hoping it will offset the bad I did yesterday.   

I sometimes feel overwhelmed when it comes to this whole weightloss journey; like right now I feel like giving up.  But  I know taht I’m doing the right thing for my body, my health and my well being.  I don’t and will not sabotage myself anymore.  I just have to keep going at it and sooner or later it will pay off. 

Positive, positive thoughts. :)  

I hate this time of the month.  I feel like a completely different person.  I have been craving junk food since last night.  I can’t stop thinking about salty food, sugary food, the fattier the better. 

Last night I ate pretty late.  I was so hungry and I wanted to inhale my dinner.  Instead I made an instant asian noodle, dump half of the packaged spice and noodle, then sipped on the liquid till we started eating the main meal.  

Today has been sheer torture.  I ate breakfast which was 1 cup of cantloupe, toast w- jam and cream cheese, had Fiberone cereal with 0% fat milk but was still hungry.  So I ate some dried fruits and raw almonds.  Still hungry I had lunch which was 1/2 chicken breast and white rice.  Just now I ate 1/2 a toast with whipped cream cheese and jam again and about to eat 2 cups of fruit with non-fat yogurt.  And I’m still hungry.  On top of that my usual gym freak self don’t want to go work out. 

I am so glad I didn’t have an ounce of junk around me because everything mentioned above would have been replaced with fatty unhealthy food. 

I will go work out.  The fruit and yogurt made me feel better.  I hope this eating binge won’t continue on once I get home. 

Wish me luck that I don’t yell at some innnocent soul for being in the wrong place at the wrong time because my friend TOM isn’t a friendly visitor.  

Last night Rodney and I wanted to make a quick trip to Long Beach to pick up some money from  his mom’s house.   For the most part he always dress to blend in with the community.  He usually sticks out like a sore thumb in my neigborhood because he’s Black.  But last night he decides to wear you know, a cap, white t-shirt and jeans.  He went to move his car and it’s out of gas; we have two other cars but decided that this is the one we want to take.  So I come around the corner with my car to save him his parking spot when I see my poor honey manually moving his car to get it out of his spot - ran out of gas.  I stayed a few pace behind to make sure he doesn’t get run over.  Well, wouldn’t you know, a few minutes in here comes Tustin police.  He gets nosey, asks what he’s doing and he told him car out of gas, and he was moving it and got me behind for his safety.  Well, of course, the cop doesn’t leave him alone.  I parked my car, told him to grab his gas filler to get gas.  The cop parks across the way in the marketplace and watch us then leaves.  We knew he’s lurking about.  Rod took my car to fill up the gas thingy (can’t remember the word for it ) and brought it back - guess who comes back too?  The cop and he sees me standing with Rod’s car.  He asks where my honey is at and I said he’s back from getting gas.  As soon as my poor boyfriend walked up he already knew who he was - yep ran his license plate and knew exactly who he was.  He has a bench warrant for something minor and the cop brought that up but Rod is already taking care of it with the courthouse.   Cop said to Rod, ”You know, if I was a mean cop I would take you in for a simple warrant”  but told him that he’s addressing it with the court system but they always screws it up with the child support issues.   He eventually let us go.

 What bothered me about this whole incident are -1) the cop never asked if we were ok.  2)He thought we were trying to steal a car and that’s why he ran the plate.  When the plate came back registed to my boyfriend he brings up the warrant issue.  But because Rodney was honest, he wasn’t doing anything against the law, he couldn’t do much.  3) the court system, child support system, dmv are all fu$#KED up.  I mean my man is trying to take care of business, he pays his child support for both children every single month.  He has all the paperwork to support this, yet they continue to put him on suspension because they can’t get their act together.  The system has him running around in circles, take time off from work to address it and it’s never fixed - this or that dept is always missing this or that.  I would understand if he’s not paying and not doing his part, but he is.  I wonder if it’s easier if he’s a deadbeat dad and not pay a penny?  Maybe then he’ll get a break.    

Anyhow, I believe he was racially profiled.  I mean, if it was me stuck with a car with no gas and trying to move it, I believe I would be treated differently.  I believe they would have asked me if I was ok and leave it at that.  But because of what he looks like, the clothes he wore, and the neighborhood we’re in, which Black people are a minority, he was singled out.   What if I wasn’t out there with him?  It would have been a different scenario and I would be posting bail for my boyfriend.  They would have seen a young Black man pushing a car, stopped him, made him sit on the curb, ran his ID, took him in and all for what?  Because of the color of his skin. 

 I went through similar events with my ex who was also Black.  Get this, I’m the one driving and swerving because it’s 3am in the morning and I’m tired.  I get pulled over but guess who’s getting interrogated and sitting on the curb?  The man did nothing wrong other than being a passenger in my car. 

 I’m proud of my Rodney.  He handled the situation well, was honest, told police he was aware of his warrant and address the issue to have it revoked and settled.  I’m glad I was there to confirm his efforts in taking care of child support.

Oh, and I didn’t binge on food due to the event.  Yeah me

2 years ago on this day I left my now ex-husband.  I met him shortly after starting my second year in college.   For a first generation Cambodian and getting into college on a full ride was a big deal.  I was also working full time to support myself, bought a car with my own money and was doing what I need to secure a good future for myself and my family.  But after meeting him I fell off and my life took a u-turn.  Basically I was a doormat for this man.  He took advantage of my kindness, did not contribute to the relationship and ultimately never loved me the way a man is suppose to love his wife.  The last hurdle for me was getting an email from his “girlfriend” of 4 months asking me if I could meet with her for coffee so we can have a discussion about my husband.  In the email she told me that they’ve been together for 4 months and she knows about my marriage and that the divorce is in process.  She wants to learn more about him from me.   This woman certainly had balls - and when I told her I knew nothing of a divorce or of her, things continue to snowball.  Of course I never met with her and asked her to never contact me again.  If she has issues - must take it up with her “boyfriend”.  That was the last day he spent in my house and of course he tried to deny the whole thing.   He tried for about a year and a half to reconcile - several attempts actually but I knew I could never turn around and return to that life.  That girl is dead to me - the young nieve person who didn’t love herself.  By then I already lost 70 lbs.  But no amount of weightloss made me feel better about  myself because at that point I still did not love me.   It wasn’t a surprise when I hurt myself from overdoing it in yoga and in nine months gained 30 lbs back. 

Fast forward to the present - I am almost healed.  I believe God blessed me after so many years of living in my personal hell.  He brought a wonderful man into my life.  I was on a dating site for about two weeks and it was a bit overwhelming.  Too many emails and faces to go through.  I talked to many men and went on a few dates.  None really got my attention.  Then I met Rodney - my knight in shining armor.  From the moment we laid eyes on each other we sort of knew that this is it.  Our first date started with a movie then a 5 hour midnite breakfast at Denny’s then a ride to Newport Beach to watch the sunrise.  Since that first date we’ve been inseparable. 

It’s almost a year since I’ve met him and my love life is near perfect - something I couldn’t phantom even last year.  Yes, Rod does not support my weight loss, this is just about the only place I don’t get support - but it’s because he  believes in loving me the natural me and didn’t want me to change to be something I’m not.  That battle will rage on for I fear, a while.  But besides that, he is everything I want in a partner.  He is loving, supportive, is the man in the house, got my back 200%,  respects me, respects himself, loves his mom and close to mom,  did I mention handsome too - hehehe, mindful of all my needs, takes care of all  my needs and puts my needs before himself.  We are opposites in some areas yet share the sames goals, core values, family values and goals.  Our wants in life are similar.  

He knows of my issues with self esteem, self hatred and have been working everyday with me to address these issues so I can overcome them.  He knows of my struggles in life and tells me I’m the strongest person he’s ever met.  He admires me and my strength - this is something I struggle with daily.  He tells me I’m one in a million and he’s lucky and honored that I chose him to be a partner.  Everyday he chips away at that block of pain and hurt created by my past relationship.    

We are partners in everything, we take turns in the driver seat.  Most of all, he is my cheerleader in life.  For the first time in my 31 years, I’m content with life.  I may be 20 lbs away from goal but I’m ok with that too.  I will eventually get there, it may take longer then the first 65 but it will come off eventually.  There’s no longer a rush to get to goal.    

He told me the other day that my search for perfection is in vain, because I don’t realize that the very thing I’m search for I have already.  I am in his eyes beautiful, more at 180 lbs then 155 lbs and even more at 220 lbs - but I won’t go into that argument right now -because it’s not about what I look on the outside but the person he sees inside.    To him I am perfect, I just have to stop searching for what I already have.  Perhaps once my inside is healed, it will catch up to what he sees and tells me on a daily basis - that I’m perfect as I am and accept it.  :)